In advance of the release of Taming the Terrible Twos: A Parents' Survival Guide, this blog will feature excerpts from the book.
Pulling hair is one of the ways that a toddler expresses himself and shows control over his environment. The three main reasons for hair pulling are:
1) He discovers that this behavior gets an instant reaction and wants to repeat the process. Example: I pull Sissy's hair, and she screams!
2) He tries to get adverse situations to change.
Example: Sissy takes my toy. I pull her hair, and she drops it!
3) He is developing cognitive thinking to change the outcome of a situation. Example: Sissy has the last candy. I pull her hair, and she screams. She will either drop the candy or not take the last one next time.
So how do you stop this behavior?
*Show him it will not work. If he pulled hair to get what he wants, take away what he wants and return it. Tell him, "We do not pull hair." Do this as soon as the hair pulling happens.
*Interrupt the behavior. When you catch him, untangle his fingers and tell him, "We do not pull hair. It hurts." Immediately impose a time out of a minute where he gets no interaction.
*Talk it out. After time out, ask him if he knows why the time out was imposed. When you know that he is associating hair pulling with time out, let him know that the most important point is that it could hurt someone.
Common mistakes:
~Ignoring the behavior. When you ignore hair pulling, he learns that pulling hair gets him what he wants from the person whose hair is being pulled. This will encourage the behavior.
~Distracting him from the behavior. If you distract him with a book or a snack, he will not understand the social interaction of the situation. His interpretation is: If I pull hair, I get special time. Hair pulling becomes a positive experience.
~Pulling his hair. Toddler lacks the empathetic skills necessary to understand this you are showing him the result of his actions. Instead he comprehends that pulling hair is going to change something, thus reinforcing his behavior.
Instead, model the behavior you want from him. Talk to him. You want him to talk to you (and others) when he wants something to change, rather than turning to physical means to get what he wants.
This is not a miracle cure for hair pulling. Two-year-olds need consistent reinforcement that they will get the same reaction from you every time.
This technique is also effective for stopping such behaviors as kicking, biting, hitting and pinching.
As his verbal skills become more developed, discuss the more appropriate behaviors of saying "No" or "I want to have that, please." Let him know that this will be more well-received than hair pulling.
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