: About Me

I began writing in high school, and a lot of my poems I've written are very dark. I grew up in a fairly sad childhood, parents divorced, and most of the poems I've written deal with trying to understand why my parents never really "saw" me, or why they never hugged my sister and brother and myself, and why they never told us they loved us. Why I had to earn all my own money for clothes, trips, even my class ring, while my sister and brother didn't have to, because all these things were bought by our father for them. I was into high school sports, and I did excel at soccer and softball, and would play basket ball between soccer and softball to stay in shape, and to stay away from my home. Neither of my parents came to see me play any of my games, though my father promised a lot that he would. (He may have made it to the very last game where we won the state championship in soccer that year, and I had the flu so wasn't up to my 100% playing self). This just added to the gloom of my childhood and felt that I was even that much more unworthy of their love. After I graduated high school I moved to another state and it is there I found out that I should never underestimate the blackness of the human heart.

I grew up in a small New England town and was pretty naive when I headed south to the "big city". I remember my father saying to me as I was leaving, "you'll never make it down there, you'll be back" Well, I am happy to say I have not been back and I have made it very very well. I've been employed by the Federal govt for over 23 years, and have been very successful in reaching my goals.

I had my first "true" love experience in my early twenties, with a man 13 years older than me. This experience was to be one I will never forget. Many of my poems deal with "lost love", "hurt love" and they deal with him, and one or two others along the way. I ended up having a child at 26 with this older man. He asked me to marry him, I said no; let's just see how things go. (He had hurt me so much up to that point I didn't want to make that commitment.) When I told him no to his proposal, I guess he felt he had no obligation then to me or his unborn child, I came home from work the next day and he left me a note on the stove, saying he was moving back in with his mother (he was 39 years old by the way!) Any way, I did have this child (a daughter in 1992) the first 5 years were the most difficult thing I had ever done, or will ever do. Her father wasn't working and since I was above the "line" for any type of assistance or help, I was told since the father isn't working we cannot pursue any type of child support for you. By the time my Daughter was 3, my credit had been completely ruined, I couldn't have a checking account or a nice car, we had to live in tiny cockroach infested apartments, I went to food panties to get food for her at local churches. Then I found out her father was collecting SS as he was such a drunk all his organs were spent. With this new found information I immediately took steps to have part of his SS sent to his daughter. The first check was 3 years of back support he should have paid but didn't. This was a sign from God and I was able to pay several outstanding debts with the money and buy my daughter, clothes she needed, food, and toys. I was paying $150 dollar a week for child care and now this monthly payment to her would cover this cost. After that things started to get a little better and I slowly, very slowly dug myself out of debt and cleared my credit, paid back everyone and everything, even a few dollars a month but I did it! Without going to my parents, without filing bankruptcy, or any other way, but on my own.

Sadly, this man did pass away when my daughter was 11 years old, he never made an effort to see her and each time I had tried he would never be where he said he would be. His family doesn't acknowledge me or my daughter, oh well, we are both better off for it. My daughter has grown into a beautiful, very smart 16 year old; she is a junior in high school and will graduate in 2010. We will start visiting colleges next year.

I was able to save enough money to have a brand new house built in a terrific community in 2002. I also have been saving as much money as I can for my daughters education. Financially things are very very secure now, as I transferred to a higher position in the federal govt several years ago and it's been working out well.

I met a great guy in 2003 and he and I were married last June. My daughter loves him and that makes me happy she finally has that role model in her life now.

I did make amends more or less with my Mother, and in fact after I had my daughter, she and I became very close, she and my step father have now retired and moved down here.

My father is still another story. He has changed a lot over the years and is more affectionate toward us, but still will never see the error of his ways raising us. The funny thing is, since I was always treated like the black sheep of the family, and had to always work hard and earn all that I got, it made me a strong person. My sister has worked a few jobs in her life, is now getting a divorce from her 2nd husband and barely gets by. My brother is a very very hard worker but he has no sense of the value of a dollar, and he has four children from his marriage, which ended several years ago. So without patting myself on the back too much, maybe the way I was treated by my father was a stepping stone to help in giving me the strength I would someday need to get through all that I have been through to be this happy in my life now.

So these life experiences have led to the poems I've written many years ago growing up. I read them sometimes and become sad, as I remember what it was like back then.

I would get an idea to write a poem by objects. An example would be, in the poem (You are the nuture of my seed.....) This is about my daugher's father and one day in the dead of winter I saw a lone leaf fall from a tree. As I watched this leaf blow and fall to the ground, it came to me as that is how I feel, and began writing that poem.

Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Love & despair

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The power that pulls me to you seems as though it will never lessen, the more strength I use to fight it, the more it seems to grow; Avoidance is one way I know my wish will come true, and though I've tried this many times our paths do suddenly gross, and when this happens a little bit inside of me dies, and all that I've worked for comes tumbling down in front of me; I look down at the shattered pieces of fortress I've been so carefully creating the days we've been apart, my heart feels as if it too lies a top the crumbled fragments, it also split into a million pieces amongst the rumble ...

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