Articles written by Waldo News

What is Helium

About me - Waldo News

Abusing the First Amendment since 1999. The Waldo News Network is an independent news satire website. We're writing for Helium because we feel every good pyramid scheme deserves a chance.

+ more bio information

RSS Feed

Politics, News & Issues > Democratic Leaders Assessing Barack Obama's political future: 29 of 77
Barack Obama has enjoyed a meteoric rise to fame unmatched since Howard Dean and John Edwards in 2004. His charisma and lack of crow's feet remind many of Bill Clinton and JFK during their first campaigns. His followers, the Obamafia, trumpet talking points and parroted facts with the ferocity of a Fox News pundit. One such p... More..
Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Guilty conscience: 10 of 21
Plane engines thrust powerfully forward, driving to heaven8am flight, number 687Been up all night, mind racingSpent the last two hours at the terminal pacingHow could I have...Why did I do...One moment tipsy on the Ave...The next removing my shoe...One thing led to another, I didn't intendIn a strange foreign land, just talki... More..
Politics, News & Issues > Sports Archives 2007 Super Bowl predictions: 32 of 66
Manning vs Grossman: Battle of the FacesTo paraphrase John Madden, two teams are about to play a game of football and one of them, most certainly, will win. We're halfway through Super Bowl week, matchups are being analyzed, players scrutinized, the American Idol rejects have probably already been in more champagne rooms than... More..
Religion & Spirituality > Religion & Spirituality (Other) The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster explained: 3 of 6
The FSM: Or How I Learned to StopWorrying and Accept His Noodly AppendageThroughout time, man has wondered what lies beyond the realm of conscious perception. Are we alone in the universe, or is our fate guided by some unseen hand. Is this hand benevolent? Malevolent? Lubricated with some form of soothing aloe vera lotion or ... More..
Politics, News & Issues > Presidential Elections 2008 Does Barack Obama have ulterior motives in seeking the presidency?: 1 of 1
The blogosphere is abuzz with many theories about Barack Obama. In any other election cycle these could be easily played off as xenophobic and neophobic rants, but with our country at a crossroads, the question must be asked: What are Obama's motivations for seeking the Presidency?In order to answer this question, we would li... More..
Entertainment > Celebrity Commentary Is Gary Busey the greatest actor of our generation?: 1 of 1
There is a man in Hollywood. Some may call him an actor, but he is much more. His professional career has spanned 40 years, over 140 television, movie, and video game credits. He has crossed multiple mediums, and influenced the careers of countless Hollywood stars including Steven Segal, Johny Depp and the great Larry Hagman.... More..
Politics, News & Issues > Presidential Elections 2008 Understanding Barack Obama's small government rhetoric: 3 of 4
I heard a mind-blowing statistic during a debate with an Obama supporter. This guy was a card-carrying member of the Obamafia, as I will take to calling them, and was trying to defend Obama's inexperience in Federal politics. The statistic he mentioned was this:"In a post-election poll, only 15% of Americans approved of gover... More..
Sciences > Sociology The relevance of feminism: 8 of 9
The images persist: Susan B Anthony striving for the right to vote. Activists in the 1960s burning bras. Pioneers in the 1980s and 1990s breaking the glass ceiling. These archetypes have helped to build a strong foundation for the feminist movement in America. Because of this rich history, it may be taboo to ask, but have we ... More..
Sciences > Atmosphere & Weather Ways you can reduce global warming: 18 of 19
One Simple Lifestyle Change ThatWill Stop Global WarmingRecently Al Gore has shone a bright spotlight on the topic of global warming, and the role which man made CO2 emissions play in exacerbating the effects. The issue has come to such prominence, however, that any increase in temperature, no matter how anecdotal, is trumpet... More..
Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Arachnophobia: 18 of 19
Eight-Legged HaikuTiny black spiderDeadly, blood-red hourglassTangled web like steelLittle brown fiddlerAmbush is set in my shoesToes swollen purpleOne web, many eggsHatchlings skitter like soldiersDeploying to pounceMonster grows hungryGrows bored of watching the webEyes sleeper in bedEight hairy strong legsSqueeze tightly, ... More..