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Abusing the First Amendment since 1999. The Waldo News Network is an independent news satire website. We're writing for Helium because we feel every good pyramid scheme deserves a chance.

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Politics, News & Issues > US Leaders Assessing Barack Obama's political future: 27 of 57

Barack Obama has enjoyed a meteoric rise to fame unmatched since Howard Dean and John Edwards in 2004. His charisma and lack of crow's feet remind many of Bill Clinton and JFK during their first campaigns. His followers, the Obamafia, trumpet talking points and parroted facts with the ferocity of a Fox News pundit. One such ...
Politics, News & Issues > US Elections Does Barack Obama have ulterior motives in seeking the presidency?: 1 of 1

The blogosphere is abuzz with many theories about Barack Obama. In any other election cycle these could be easily played off as xenophobic and neophobic rants, but with our country at a crossroads, the question must be asked: What are Obama's motivations for seeking the Presidency? In order to answer this question, we would ...
Entertainment > Celebrity Commentary Is Gary Busey the greatest actor of our generation?: 1 of 1

There is a man in Hollywood. Some may call him an actor, but he is much more. His professional career has spanned 40 years, over 140 television, movie, and video game credits. He has crossed multiple mediums, and influenced the careers of countless Hollywood stars including Steven Segal, Johny Depp and the great Larry Hagman...
Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Guilty conscience: 12 of 22

Plane engines thrust powerfully forward, driving to heaven 8am flight, number 687 Been up all night, mind racing Spent the last two hours at the terminal pacing How could I have... Why did I do... One moment tipsy on the Ave... The next removing my shoe... One thing led to another, I didn't intend In a strange foreign land, ...
Politics, News & Issues > Sports Archives 2007 Super Bowl predictions: 24 of 35

Manning vs Grossman: Battle of the Faces To paraphrase John Madden, two teams are about to play a game of football and one of them, most certainly, will win. We're halfway through Super Bowl week, matchups are being analyzed, players scrutinized, the American Idol rejects have probably already been in more champagne rooms th...
Politics, News & Issues > US Elections Understanding Barack Obama's small government rhetoric: 3 of 4

I heard a mind-blowing statistic during a debate with an Obama supporter. This guy was a card-carrying member of the Obamafia, as I will take to calling them, and was trying to defend Obama's inexperience in Federal politics. The statistic he mentioned was this: "In a post-election poll, only 15% of Americans approved of gov...
Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Arachnophobia: 17 of 18

Eight-Legged Haiku Tiny black spider Deadly, blood-red hourglass Tangled web like steel Little brown fiddler Ambush is set in my shoes Toes swollen purple One web, many eggs Hatchlings skitter like soldiers Deploying to pounce Monster grows hungry Grows bored of watching the web Eyes sleeper in bed Eight hairy strong legs Sq...
Creative Writing > Poetry Poetry: Imagine life without: 123 of 125

Once symphonic tones, now silent Aquatic operettas now just a memory Bored orca, over-bred yellowfin Swim listlessly in still waters For an ocean is just an indoor pool Without a shark, without a shark WITHOUT A SHARK!
Religion & Spirituality > Religion & Spirituality (Other) The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster explained: 4 of 4

The FSM: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Accept His Noodly Appendage Throughout time, man has wondered what lies beyond the realm of conscious perception. Are we alone in the universe, or is our fate guided by some unseen hand. Is this hand benevolent? Malevolent? Lubricated with some form of soothing aloe vera lotion ...
Politics, News & Issues > US Leaders Should Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich just go away?: 3 of 3

Dennis Kucinich: Tireless Crusader, Hot Wife Included The notion that Dennis Kucinich is an annoying dwarf who provides little more than a distraction to the American political landscape is not an entirely baseless one. The media's insistence on focusing their criticism around his friendship with Liza Minelli and his close e...