: About Me

When I was a kid, I really loved that old saying about the pen being mightier than the sword.

However, my crippling lefthandedness resulted in penmanship resembling "pseudo-early 1900's Pharmacy prescription scribbling with a leaky fountain pen" font. I also wrongly associated HOW I "scribed" on paper with WHAT I wrote. I covered my self-induced, wrongly perceived handicap with smartassedness and ended up running away from college; opting instead for 11 years of US Air Force fun as an AMMO troop. I met many great folks and got to live in two foreign countries, Germany and Texas. That was disrespectful. Texas is a Republic! Yep.

My favorite "about me" military moment (I'm glad you asked) was when I volunteered myself as an armed escort for a cargo 747 load of BLU-109 bombs (a munition used as part of a smart bomb) headed from San Antonio, Texas to a sandbox called Taif, Saudi Arabia in support of OPERATION DESERT SHIELD. Normally I wouldn't advise volunteering while in uniform, but this was a journey involving time out of the office, guns, bombs, planes, and a quick return through Europe, and yours truly wearing a .38 pistol from the Vietnam era and 120 rounds of paint-chipper .38 rounds around my non-studly waist. I jumped at the opportunity! Since I only spent 10 hours in country and the minimum is 24 for a medal, you'll just have to believe me when I say I was part of this military operation. My European return route was way more fun. It took 4 days but I saved Uncle Sam BIG BUCKS by not flying civilian. Well, that's what I said in court. Kidding. My life is non-litigious; so far.

I meandered back home and found the awesome University of La Verne (www.ulv.edu) and now own two sheets of paper including a Bachelor of Science in Organizational Management (BSOM) and a Master's in Public Administration (MPA). My education assures I'm fun at parties, and I'm proud to have two more degrees than Bill Gates. Well, except for all his honorary Doctorates.

Go to college, just don't expect your efforts to smarten up the rest of the world. Caution! If you choose to study Management as a science, your knowledge grows in direct proportion to the realization THAT YOUR BOSS IS INDEED a flatliner candidate on the Smarts scale. It is scary how some people got to be in charge! Sitting your patooteee in a chair for a few years and suddenly you're qualified to supervise people? Utter madness! I've digressed as much as the workplace! This Cynic is moving on.

My wife is awesome AND the awesome breadwinner. Our 2 girls are our everything. (that sounded very 70's)

So now, word processing and keyboards will be my pen. As for my sword, I'd prefer my .357, thank you.

I hope all of you writers will tear me to shreds in the kindest way you know. Geez, the rules already have me giving up cussing! How much can a writer bend beyond THAT?

Now look at my photo and honestly ask yourself: "Should I follow ANY diet advice articles written by a guy who sucks down Mazatlan shrimp cocktails and Pacifico beers with all the efficiency of a Dyson vacuum?"

Always consider your source!

Thanks Helium!
(don't you wish it was entitled "A LITTLE about me?")

My passion is ...

witnessing, fueling, or injecting humor into most situations.

I know too much about ...

USAF Non-Nuclear Munitions, Public Administration, chemical warfare, and Naziism (I curse you, History Channel, for being completely interesting!)

My parents always told me ...

that they never promised me a rose garden AND that there are two things to throw money at or even put on credit-Education and travel!

My childhood ambition ...

to escape childhood unscathed & become a Philanthopist without working at anything in particular

My favorite memory ...

We used to have AWESOME Avocado fights as kids, Oranges and lemons too! I STILL have a healthy hue to my face from all the high impacts of nature upside my head! Now those Avocados are well over a buck each! Perhaps I'll start a "fruit in your face" beauty business!

Why I write ...

I write because Christmas Letters should be EXCITING to read!

What I am reading/watching/listening to ...

READING Dave Barry's History of the Millennium, WATCHING my kids here at home, LISTENING to German radio station over the net. Visit~ www.swr3.de Pretty sad that it's usually better than LA radio! I also LOVE the sister station of this Helium site! Cool new music!

My first job ...

stockboy at an Asian Deli Market. My buttery, Germanic hands dropped more than one gallon of soy sauce I can tell you! A few years later I worked with high explosives. Comforted?

My best moment ...

Meeting my Wife...she was a blind date from a blind date! I call her my double blind experiment! She remains my best moment daily. SEE Patronization.

My inspiration ...

I feed on seeing you laugh & stopping long enough to compliment my writing. OK, my EGO is my inspiration. THERE, I said it!

• Helium Charter Member