Articles written by Brian Jeffiers

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About me - Brian Jeffiers

A native of tiny Taylorsville, Kentucky, Brian Jeffiers is a lifelong aspiring writer. He counts Lewis Grizzard as his most significant influence and identifies closely with his hero's combination of humor and nostalgia.

A married father of two girls, Brian

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Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Underwear: 3 of 19
There was Darfur and Myanmar. There was Iran and Iraq. There was Red State and Blue State. There was Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. The breadth of issues in this year's presidential election was unparalleled, but with one notable exception: I never heard any candidate asked, "Boxers or briefs?"I had hoped to hear it. It's the ki... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Writing while inebriated: 5 of 21
I've heard about people trying to do a lot of things while they are roaring drunk. There are the basics, like walking and talking, and then there are the comical, like singing. Then there's the truly pitiful, like performing CPR. More on that in a minute.But there's something about writing that makes it seem unlikely that a d... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Waiting in line: 10 of 37
I found myself yesterday trying to stay entertained in line at the pharmacy. There are few places with as little to do as a pharmacy line, so I found my eyes wandering to the huge array of dietary supplements all around me. There are supplements for everything coming and going, and one that seemed most numerous was osteoporos... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Southern English: 5 of 14
I like my accent. I don't know what it is, but I like it. My mother is from north Alabama and Dad is from central Kentucky, and I grew up there. Then I moved to Eastern Kentucky at the age of 22 and threw something else in the mix. Anyhow, I'm happy with the way I sound.Other people aren't, and it's causing them to abuse true... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Epitaphs, obituaries and tombstone inscriptions: 4 of 10
Death is a weird business anywhere you go, but here in America we seem to display extra weirdness. That's all the more reason why I admire people who pre-plan their funerals. I come from a pretty practical family. I have a great-aunt and uncle who have had their tombstone in the cemetery for about 15 years. Neither one of the... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Fashion trends: 9 of 22
"Just try them on," my wife pleaded. "They'll look great."I knew better. My feet are long, white, and narrow, easily mistaken for a disembodied dolphin's fin. But I was trying. I didn't even like the style of the sandals; they were basically leather flip-flops, and I didn't care one bit for flip-flops that actually went betwe... More..
Creative Writing > Memoirs My most humorous gardening (mis)adventure: 36 of 76
It seemed like a fantastic break. Our little hillside garden, cultivated on a sandy hillside shelf behind my in-laws' house, stood to double in size after the phone company cleared the brush from a large area adjoining our original plot. Once all the stuff was dead, I set it on fire, thinking the green vegetation up the hills... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Food: 86 of 139
I'm a purist. So sue me. When it comes to almost anything, I am quite particular about calling things by the right name, reading all the directions, and inserting a toothpick in the center of a cake. Maybe that makes me elitist; I'm sure Barack Obama would like to see that tattooed on somebody else for a while.But I can't hel... More..
Creative Writing > Memoirs Memoirs: Experiencing terrorism: 4 of 6
It should have been just another day for me, as it should have for millions of others. I was watching the early phases of construction on our new house on September 11, 2001, waiting for a co-worker to pick me up for an out-of-town project.She was running late, and in that pre-cell phone era, I had only a pager for my office ... More..
Creative Writing > Humor Humor: Going to the hospital: 22 of 27
Around 3:45 am last Thursday, I woke up with some pretty stout chest pain. For about five hours, I convinced myself that I was a hypochondriac. But when I couldn't deny that it was crawling up my neck, I gave up and went to the doctor. By 11:00 I had a 12-lead EKG on me in the doctor's office, and when the results came back t... More..