I'm still waiting for to find out what I'll be when I grow up.

It's not that I don't have interests or talents or dreams. It's more like I've reinvented myself through so many life changes that somewhere along the way, I've forgotten what it was that I really wanted to be.

Like most of my fellow humans, life has given me it's best and it's worst. Somehow the two extremes co-mingled and across time, molded me into my present form. I do know this: the best things life ever gave me were not the things I was looking for.

As kids, we think our parents will always be around for us. I was 16 that Christmas Eve we buried my mother. I never knew God could be so hateful or so cruel.

I KNOW that I never wanted children. In our youth, my sister and I both joked that we'd rather be 40 than pregnant. Five years into my marriage to Greg, I had two sons in two years. Everyday I thank God that He knew better than me. And when I feel alone, He whispers in my ear, "if I didn't love you, would I have put this much love in your life?"

I was 40 years old before I ever saw an eagle in the wild. Greg had just graduated as a Physician Assistant and the Coast Guard sent us to Alaska. Two dreams realized at once.

I always wanted a horse. Always, from my most dim childhood recollections, there was a horse in my life. I was 47 before that dream became reality. Minnie was a sweet little Mustang mare that lived in a pasture up the road from us. Greg and I would feed her an apple or carrots on our evening walk. I was away on an assignment, writing for a military newspaper and got waylaid on a remote Aleutian island. As we drove home from the airport, Greg pulled over at the pasture. There were the boys standing with Minnie, a big red bow around her neck. "Happy birthday. I wanted to give you your dream."

Some dreams are worth the wait.

I never wanted be alone again. But one month before our 20th wedding anniversary (and two weeks before Christmas), the boys and I clung tearfully together as the man who was the center of our world left us to start a new life with another woman.

I never knew just how broken I could get. But two years after my divorce, my older son spiraled out of control and ended up in a juvenile detention facility more than 250 miles away and accessible only by plane. My parental rights were stripped-he was a ward of the state. And when I thought things couldn't get worse, I was fired from my job for the same reason the state declared me an unfit parent.

Why is it that some of us wait until we have no where else to turn before we turn to Jesus? I may have been too depressed to hold a job, or be a fit parent-but I was depressed enough to fall to my knees and cry out to God for His help.

And God restored what the state had taken from me. He gave me another job-a better one at that. And for a brief time, He even gave me someone else to love.

Time marched on and both my sons left home within nine months of each of other to serve their country in the Armed Forces. Greg, Jr. a U.S. Marine was stationed in Okinawa. Four days after he graduated from high school, Matthew left for Air Force basic training. Five days after he graduated, I put my home up for sale.

It was now my time to move on.

So on November 14, 2007, the Lord and I boarded a plane for Spokane. Life turned a page, and I left behind the place that I loved for a new life in a city where I knew only one person. I sold the home where I lived longer than I ever lived anywhere. I left friends who held me when I cried and laughed away my tears. I left the church where I found healing and salvation and strength to face days that seemed too painful to look at. I cried as I sold my little mare and watched my last eagle soar. And I wondered as I kissed Bill goodbye if God would ever put that kind of love in my life again.

Now, Matthew visits me on his days off from training. My little home is five minutes away from the Air Force base where he is presently stationed. I spend my days searching for a job that will pay the bills and hopefully feed my soul. The prospects are narrow for 50+ woman whose primary skills include being a room mother and ironing shirts with military creases. I call on the Lord everyday and listen for His small, still voice. And I wonder what I'll be when I grow up.

My passion is ...

The Lord, my sons, our military, writing, horses

I know too much about ...

everything that doesn't matter

My parents always told me ...

It's as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor one.

My childhood ambition ...

to always be around horses.

My favorite memory ...

Christmas in Cape May

Why I write ...

I can't not write (great use of double negative!)

What I am reading/watching/listening to ...

Things that help me grow. Or stupid comedy.

My first job ...

working for a florist. I got fired.

My best moment ...

There are two of them, the birth of my sons.

My inspiration ...

Jesus. And those who love Him.

Religion & Spirituality > Thoughts on God Has God turned his back on mankind

12 of 25

Hide and Seek with God

Ollie, ollie, out and free. O.K. God, where are you? Please come out.

I've looked everywhere I can think of to find God: churches, my bible, inside my heart, under the bed. I've asked directions, asked if anyone else has seen Him recently. I've heard more people than I can count tell me that He's everywhere. So why can't I find Him? It's really throwing me for a loop; after all, scripture quotes God as saying, "I will never leave you or forsake you." God doesn't lie. So where is He?

I'm getting tired of this game real quick like. I don't...

More..