Newsweek says, "...triumphant. A master at his craft at the top of his game..."

Time claims, "He has ushered in a new era of American literacy."

Rolling Stone touts, "...a hip, fresh style that is sure to light up the synapses of the cultural Ubermensch..."

All this and more are what the critics would be saying if they had ever heard of me. It would also help if I was any good. For now, suffice it to say that my grandma appreciates my work as well as handful of loyal (paid) friends (transients.) I will continue to write as long as it takes to become financially independent enough to devote all of my leisure to day-time television. I can't believe you read this far...

My passion is ...

demystifying secret societies

I know too much about ...

stochastic differential equations (I wish! well, not really...)

My parents always told me ...

take that out of your mouth

My childhood ambition ...

adulthood

My favorite memory ...

winning a goldfish with a homemade elephant costume

Why I write ...

to scare up the demons and banish them

What I am reading/watching/listening to ...

The Yiddish Policemen's Union/Venture Brothers/Gogol Bordello

My first job ...

swimming instructor

My best moment ...

right now

My inspiration ...

you, dear reader

Other What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

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In childhood, everyone remembers having a substitute teacher as being some kind of hybrid between the Spanish Inquisition and a rodeo. It was an occasion to push limits, to see what the human psyche could endure and, most of all, to have a good time. Substitutes would try many techniques to sooth our sugar-addled bodies into submission: kind words, the coveted scratch-n-sniff sticker and the occasional treat, but always resorted to threats by the end of the day. Sometimes, some poor, broken spirit would just sit back in her chair, watch the chaos unfold and take notes. That's what happened...

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