: About Me

Jonathan writes his biographical information in the third person, because that is how important he is. Lesser writers cannot compare to Jonathan; he even uses semicolons fluidly.

Jonathan would wager that the reader does not even know what "gossamer" means, let alone could any such soul use it in his or her "about me" section. Loathesome wretches all, the lesser writers command neither their own tongues, nor written word. Whilst they muck about in the dredges of the Interwebs, Jonathan soars above them on gossamer wings.

Hark! There upon the halcyon skies floats in our literary savior. Jonathan's passion has always been writing, and if the poor reader believes his or her passion to be of the same nature, the reader is mistaken. For no writer nor reader understands passion as Jonathan does. Lo, he deigns to speak unto the world, decending from his chariot of fire (which therein is commanded by a noble Narwhal).

"Citizens of Helium.com, listen unto me," his words echo like the flapping wings of a gigantic, gossamer moth, "I command you unto these rules, that thy work may prosper, and that neither thy writing nor thy cookies shall ever stale!

1. Thou shalt not tell the truth. The stars fall not on the honest.
2. Thou shalt not write in a single paragraph, for it is an Abomination.
3. Thou shalt not preach from thy article, lest ye be despised.
4. Thou shalt not use signatures, for they are the mark of the Dark One.
5. Thou shalt not take thyself too seriously, for alas, thou are not Me."

With these words, he ascended back into the heavens, crowned and beloved in glory in his gossamer castle.

Gossamer.

[[NOTE: Jonathan welcomes any comments or criticism. If one of his articles made you laugh, cry, or declare jihad, send him a message!]]

My passion is ...

satire

I know too much about ...

video games

My parents always told me ...

"Two wrongs make a right."

My childhood ambition ...

consume an entire pizza

My favorite memory ...

when my girlfriend [censored by Helium moderator]

Why I write ...

for the unparalleled riches!

What I am reading/watching/listening to ...

You. Right now.

My first job ...

CEO of a major international corporation

My best moment ...

9/9/1999

My inspiration ...

the utter failure of humanity

Arts & Humanities > Writing at Helium Reasons for low ratings at Helium

17 of 27

You stayed up all night writing your newest masterpiece, then woke up this morning only to have your hopes and dreams crushed. What you thought would be at the top of the heap isn't, and all the while your screen laughs at you: "34 of 48" What did you do to deserve such a poor rating? How should you now spend your precious leapfrog? Although there's no way to know for certain, there are a few key reasons why your article may be in the dumps. 1. You can't write. Sorry to inform you, but that degree in Journalism didn't magically grant you the ability to win Pullitzers, let alone Helium star...

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