Sun Tzu in "The Art of War" said, "If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat." What was true thousands of years ago on the battle field in ancient China is also true when tormenting rival football fans.

Once when I was attending a football game at the University of Virginia where my team was the visiting team, I noticed that their place kicker ran oddly for a guy. I got several of my friends to start taunting the home team fans by yelling, "Your kicker runs like a girl!" over and over. Little did I know that the kicker was, in fact, a female. Needless to say the taunt backfired, and we just looked like fools.

The more you know about your rival, the more effective your taunts will be. This may require weeks of research and practicing in front of the mirror for hours, but the payoff will be worth it. This can be applied in several methods.

Method 1: Be a Playa Hata (Player Hater... ask your kids)
Scan the news for a scandal one of the rival players may be involved in and focus your jokes on that player. If he is embroiled in a paternity suit involving several women, mention that you believe that he is your daddy. This can be carried too far and go into the realm of poor taste, so use discretion.

Method 2: Hit 'em at Home
Sometimes the easier target is the town or the school the team represents. If the team is from an agricultural school, ask if the cheerleaders will go back to milking cows after the big game. Chances are the fan has either lived in the town or attended the school of the team they cheer on, so you could get more mileage out of this than just during football season.

Method 3: Give a History Lesson
If the rival team has had a history of choking in the playoffs or recently lost to a less-than-stellar team, make sure you remind the rival fan about this as often as you can. Chances are the bitter taste of the loss is still lingering on their tongues. Just make sure you stop short of bringing actual tears to their eyes.

Method 4: Sack the Mascot
If all else fails, you can always go after their mascot - especially if it is something less than a fearsome icon that a sport like football deserves. I don't care how high they are ranked, there is just something very un-intimidating about facing the Oregon "Ducks" or the UPenn "Quakers" on the gridiron.

So a little knowledge can potentially go a long way in your battle of the jabs while rooting on your favorite team and putting down your foe. Even if the game doesn't go your way, you will know you at least did your part on the other side of the TV or from the stands.

Learn more about this author, Nathan Kim.
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