4 of 7

by Jaclyn C. Stevenson

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Flipping through the channels one day in the summer of 2007, I stopped short on vh1.

A woman with a pink cocktail dress was banging down the door to what looked like a compound with animal print furniture, while inside another woman with big hair had just adjusted her halter top to give a man shooting photos a better view of her breasts.

A full, frontal view, that is.

The woman throwing a fit outside, I was later to find, is Tiffany, one of 25 women chosen to appear on vh1's newest foray into celeb-reality, Rock of Love. The uninhibited model inside is Heather, an exotic dancer from Las Vegas, and the camera man is Bret Michaels, lead singer of the '80s hard-rock band Poison, and the object of affection for these largely busty and predominantly blonde girls.

Or, should I say, these vipers... lying in wait to strike at the very moment their enemy shows an ounce of weakness. Indeed, the claws and fangs are just one reason why, after just a few moments of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, I was hooked, and I'm not the only one.

Just three episodes into the first season, which aired on July 29 '07, 1.9 million viewers in the key 18-49 demographic tuned in, 23% more the previous week. In addition, the episode ranked among the top 10 programs on all of cable that day, and ratings continued to climb.*

The reality show follows on the heels of the inexplicable trainwreck that was Flavor of Love, in which aging rapper Flavor Flav auditioned a similar number of unique individuals for the role of his Number One Lady. As painful as that series could be to watch, it too garnered thousands of viewers, and Rock of Love seems poised to surpass its predecessor in the annals of pop culture.

This could be because Rock of Love is, at its core, sheer escapism, and the timing of the show's release in mid-July can't be a coincidence. In the midst of a war, an increasingly combative race for the U.S. presidency, and an energy crisis, people are also generally aggravated by the summer heat, and something's got to give.

Once it does, waiting at the end of a long, hard day is the booze, boobs, hairspray and eyeliner of the Rock of Love house, and it just keeps getting better.

Each episode, contestants vying for Michaels' heart are forced into what can only be described as uncomfortable, if not humiliating, situations, ranging from dirty talking on the phone while the other roommates listen to motocross racing after only a brief lesson.

The top performers go on dates with the man of the hour; a trip to the recording studio to lay down some naughty tracks, for instance, or dinner at a sushi restaurant that seems to last for five minutes, replaced by "drinks and partying" at Michaels' request.

While winners are making out with Michaels in a Hummer limo, or making out with each other in a Hummer limo, the remainder of the troupe are back at the compound, drinking from a fully-stocked bar (there never seems to be any food around, though) and utilizing the built-in stripper pole. Inevitably, someone says something about someone else, it gets blown out of proportion, and wackiness ensues. Big John, Michaels' friend and security manager, is on hand to make sure the glasses hit the wall instead of the silicone, and that no one slips into an alcohol-induced coma.

It's a very healthy environment. There's even a pool.

At the close of the show, the strains of Every Rose Has Its Thorn playing softly in the background, women are systematically booted. They stand on rafters, each in their own intriguing ensemble (there's a lot of glitter and fake eyelashes) and wait to receive a backstage pass that allows them to stay in the zoo a little bit longer.

"Lacey/Brandi/Rodeo/Dallas/Brandi, will you stay in the house and continue to rock my world?" asks Michaels, with a hint of sincerity.

The losers generally walk outside to the waiting confessional cameras, tear-filled and blotchy, to whimper how heartbroken they are or, conversely, to embark on a curse-filled tirade. Both are entertaining.

Are you going to gain I.Q. points via this show, no; in fact, you may lose a few. But watching the Rock of Love ladies get their drink on is considerably healthier for the viewer than partaking in rock star ways, and listening to the contestants refer to each other with names like "Clavicle Jes" and "Circus Hooters" is enough to keep the dog days of summer moving swimmingly along.

And really, we Don't Need Nothin' But a Good Time.

______

The Rock of Love Ladies*:

Bonnie Didn't stay long

Brandi C. Made a porn flick after leaving the show

Brandi M. An early front-runner

Dallas Had a very entertaining beef with Lacey

Erin Was Miss Hooters of Illinois

Faith A quiet beauty therefore, booted early

Heather Keeps things interesting by throwing other chicks under
the bus

Jes Punky blonde, doesn't bond well with the party girls

Jessica One of the women asked to leave before actually opening
their mouths - ouch

Kelly Same for Kelly

Kimberly Same for Kim

Krista Gone too soon to remember

Kristia Go-go dancer who goes by Bond Girl

Lacey PETA activist and metal singer, taunts other contestants
mercilessly (and wonderfully)

Lauren What was she even doing there?

Magdalena At 6' 3", I'm not about to mess with her

Meredith Also gone before she spoke

Mia One of the few brunettes

Pam Eliminated before forming words

Raven Eliminated in episode one, in a blaze of glory

Rodeo Slightly maniacal, lovable mom with a cowboy hat

Samantha The hard-pAArtying member of the group

Tamara Vacant bliss

Tawny Gone in episode 2, hard to remember

Tiffany The famous Tiff- asked to leave in episode one, and came back fighting for two more shows

*Statistics courtesy of blabbermouth.net
*list courtesy of vh1.com

Learn more about this author, Jaclyn C. Stevenson.

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