Let's face it: top ten lists that are informative, concise, and accurate are usually as boring as watching paint dry. Everyone knows that most people would much rather be entertained than informed. So, in the best interest of maintaining the traditions of satire, here is a potentially useless, but hopefully funny, list of the top ten reasons why cell phones have become essential for modern living:

1. The constant interruption of cellphone calls will prevent the average citizen from having detailed, coherent thoughts, thus allowing the government to sneak very bad ideas past an unsuspecting public. Like, say, a war. Or two.

2. The cellphone industry needs your support to crush the wristwatch industry! That's why cellphones come with built-in clocks.

3. A cellphone is the closest you'll ever get to having a Star Trek communicator, you dreamer!

4. A cellphone permits your masters to sneak in your secret mind control signals via the guise of a phone call. The black helicopter will be on the roof in fifteen minutes. Bring the CD and the green notebook. Tell no one.

5. Cellphone rings provide an excellent excuse for leaving a boring or upsetting meeting/conversation/date/relationship.

6. Use of text messages eliminates the need to master spelling, grammar, punctuation, logic or tact.

7. Belts look so... naked without a cellphone holder.

8. Cellphone cameras can allow you to jumpstart your blackmailing career. Be sure to get extra memory on yours!

9. Solitude is way, way overrated. You're never alone when you've got a cell phone!

10. It's all a part of Steve Jobs's hidden plan to make you think you need to own an iPhone. Well, my friend, think different!

Learn more about this author, Mark Dykeman.
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