There's a funny off-Broadway musical called I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. Sound familiar? Have you ever thought you'd found the perfect mate and then spent the rest of your relationship together trying to "fix" him or her? Futile, isn't it?

The reason for this is, every individual, regardless of race, creed, color, sex, or age, inherently has a set of values. Everyone has something they think is most important, second most important, third most important, and so on. We call this set of priorities a "hierarchy of values." Each person's hierarchy determines how he or she senses the world, filters those perceptions, and interprets and reacts to what he or she feels and thinks as a result.

For example imagine a husband and wife!

Her highest values are raising her children, educating them, and safeguarding the health of her family. His highest values are making money, building resources and business, and providing for his family. Imagine this couple walking hand in hand, going shopping. As they stroll the plaza, she sees things he doesn't. And he sees things she doesn't.
She sees toys for the kids, school clothes, books and games that will help her children learn, healthy snacks, and brochures for family activities-all kinds of items that align with her values. She'll notice and filter her vision through her unique set of values. Her husband will walk through the plaza and see none of those things. In fact, his eyes will avoid them. He'll see the Wall Street Journal, computers, books and magazines for entrepreneurs, gifts for clients-anything that might help him in business or finances or in his intellectual development, because those are his values.

The hierarchy of their values-not gender or anything else-determines how they filter their reality and filter their environment. Therefore, they see opportunities accordingly. What they realize through their senses is their reality, and they will determine their reality according to the value systems they project and protect.

Often when we're in relationship we unwisely think the other person is supposed to be like us, and we project our hierarchy of values onto them. When they support our values we call them good and let them do almost anything they want. But when they challenge our values, which they will inevitably do half the time, we suddenly call them bad and clamp down with our laws, rules and ultimatums and project it all onto them. Rules are the illusions that help us stay together;

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