Navy.

Excitement engulfed me as I walked up the gangway of my first ship, HMS Antrim, in the late 70's. Royal Navy basic training had been hell for a chubby, spotty Mummy's boy from South London. They had seemingly made a mistake and placed me in a class full of rough Northerners who were chiselled out of granite. That boy had gone forever to be replaced by a lean, mean, sex-machine ready to conquer the world, starting with Old Fratton in Portsmouth.

A slow start it was as well..

The pain of basic training at HMS Raleigh had convinced me that if I succeeded, there was a secret lifetime of eternal bliss awaiting. Something akin to the luxuries afforded to suicide pilots but without the messy and unnecessary death bit.

The old sweat Chief petty officer at the Navy careers office in Croydon, where I had mistakenly gone to shelter from a sudden storm, had such an honest way about him as he explained the Navy wasn't so much a job but a jolly, a never ending holiday. I remember asking him what exactly I'd have to do to earn my keep in between sunbathing and sleeping my way around the world and he replied Don't worry, they'll find you something'! I expect he duly retired and fondly chuckles regularly at his enormous and many deceptions. I duly signed up for nine years still imagining the long lazy days surrounded by topless, grass skirted, nymphos. The choice between this and continuing to work in an office, taking all of three seconds to make. This all proved to be a valuable if irreversible lesson for me, I learnt forever the meaning of the term had over'!

My Father's only advice was to not volunteer for anything. This I ignored along with all other advice from anybody, on principle. I was seventeen and I knew it all.

I was treated with the normal contempt reserved for the new boy as I joined my new home. It started to dawn on me that all may not be quite as anticipated. I saw no trace of the swimming pool or the all inclusive facilities. Everything was battleship grey, dull and male. Maybe the page three stunners and cheerleaders were in the spa? The Officers and crew seemed unaware of my grand arrival, the captain even failed to turn up to personally greet me and nobody piped me aboard.

I was befriended by a four foot Glaswegian with a permanent grin and barely decipherable babble who picked up my kitbag and swerving in and out of the chaos led me to my sleeping facilities, 3D mess. The noise and chaos on board was something

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