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by E. V. SHAW

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A MIRACLE

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police."

A MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

SPECIAL DAY

Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.

Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

TO OLD GALS

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over he cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at the drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

THE PIG

A drunk was sitting at the bar, when a woman walked in leading a duck on a chain. "Whheerred ya git thaat pigg?" He asked. "This is no pig, this is a duck," the woman replied indignantly. "I was talllkinng tah tha duucck!" The drunk replied.

Learn more about this author, E. V. SHAW.

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