The key to swimming is being close enough to the surface to breath. Without air, you will not be doing much in this lifetime, let alone swimming.

By default this means that you must find the shallow part of the body of water that you intend to swim in. Do not jump in the deep end unless you have your dog, the inflatable inner from a carton of wine, or some other flotation device to cling tightly to.

Once in the shallow end, just remember that this is water and countless numbers of humans have managed to conquer it enough to not only swim, but also to enjoy being in the water. Keeping yourself standing upright with the upper part of your body well out of the water, just breathe deeply and get used to the feel of the water around your body. This is the best time to start learning that swimming should be a pleasure and should also be taken slowly enough to teach your mind and body that this is a positive experience.

Once your body gets used to the feeling of buoyancy and breathing, it is time to submerge yourself to your shoulders. Crouching in the water and walking up and down a few length to the depths that you can handle will make you feel like some sort of peculiar duck waddling in a most undignified manner. But anything that makes you laugh will help you relax, right?

Now your body is feeling quite calm, you've perhaps started moving your arms to help your balance and really all you're doing is swimming with your feet firmly on the ground and your head firmly out of the water.

Great progress!

From here on in you must trust what you have just learned - that there's a shallow end, the ground is below your feet, the air is above the water, and your body is comfortable in the water. The trick now is to teach yourself to float.

Hold onto the side of the pool - find a railing at the stairs, or the side that you can hold onto, and get a good grip. You need to have your hands in front of you holding onto the edge of the pool, and slowly push your bottom and legs backwards. This is the time to demonstrate to the world that you have a very sexy bottom. Stick it out honey! Think light thoughts! And relax your legs to test if your bottom rises. Practice until your muscles feel calm enough to let your body naturally rise to the surface. Soon enough your legs can follow and you will find yourself kicking to keep yourself floating.

Fabulous. Isn't it nice to feel the water supporting you?

Now this is the chance to really get into

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