My God Moshes Over Me

I have been on a journey for the last 4 months. Some of it I expected as the natural course of life that would inevitably play out, but most of it I did not expect. My journey has a major stop tomorrow in Atlanta. I will be meeting with a speaker/author who challenged me to a duel with myself.

I lost. And then I won.

His instructions were simple: "do these personality tests, this spiritual gifts test, this motivations test and go through this workbook. Write down what you think are your best qualities and skills."

As I began to attack these tasks with the gusto and passion that is me, I found something very disagreeable and confusing taking place - I was being attacked back by...me. I was intolerant of myself, I over-analyzed myself, I expected perfection where there was none, I realized that I had lost joy and self-value, I showed myself my amazing talents and skills and experiences, only to find that hardly any of them were in use. I beat myself into the failure that awaited me.

I came, I saw and I conquered. And I went into a depression.

We all wonder about ourselves - our identity, our purpose. Who am I really? What makes me tick? Why do I do these things over and over again when I know I'm stuck in a rut? Why do I crave perfection? Affection? Affirmation? Why can't I be happy with who I am or where I'm at? Why would You (God) give me all these things and not show me how they fit together?

As I fought myself off, blow-by-blow, I asked Jesus to help me understand these things through my confusion. I didn't ask Him to take away my confusion or enlighten me above all enlightenment. I simply wanted a little understanding, a small piece of clarity, in the storm that seemed to be my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land."" -Jeremiah 29:11-14

God took my attention off of myself, because I was fighting a doomed battle. Me against myself is not a fight that can be won because me by myself equals doom. But I know a God who formed me especially with my specific and unique future in mind, and that same God who loves me above the stars and the moon is just waiting to pull me out of my confusion and fear, my loneliness and inadequacy, to end my captivity to the lies that say "You will amount to nothing." God says, "I will restore you. I will give you a future that has hope!"

What does He ask that we do? Call out to Him. Pray to Him. Study and ask about who He is and what He's about.

That's it? All I have to do to understand that my purpose is divine is ask? All I have to do to be freed from my dark and enslaving rut - my self-defeating circle of behavior - is search for Him wholeheartedly? Surely it is not that simple.

But it was. It is. As I asked God to reveal Himself to me (my method of searching), He did. And the more I learned about who Jesus is and how He relates to ME, where I'M at right now, in my confusion, I saw my broken characteristics less and my potential more. And I can't explain it, but peace entered me and laughter returned. I came alive.

I am created by God's hand, special and wonderful, delightful in His eyes. And so are you. Just ask Him.

Learn more about this author, Jocelyn Beresford.
Click here to send author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about Why do we doubt the promises made by God?
We want to hear your view. Write now!