Suicide has always seemed absurd to me, when I was growing up a friend of mine had lost his mother to suicide. I remember thinking how selfish and confusing how could one who is loved or does love bring themselves to this type of exit, permanent. It wasn't until a decade later that I would have my own chance to come face to face with the most painful of deaths I have had to cope with to date. Suicide is hard on the emotional trip, when one dies of natural causes you can ask god why, or simply accept it was their time, murder, at least you have someone to blame, the pain is still hard if not harder but the blame helps so much with reverting your disgust. When I was a victim of suicide I had no one to blame, quite often people blame themselves "How could I not see" or "I should've done something." I had no clue, not even a simple gesture. I had to hate the one person in my life I looked up to, that for me is the hardest to cope with, the pain subsides and the feeling of loss can go away with support but the thoughts of anger and betrayal remain. Often I cry alone because letting go of the anger is what I find most difficult, the sadness and guilt I feel for thinking ill affect me deeply. Suicide is a monster; a beast of burden, those victimized by suicide often have thoughts themselves of ending their own life, usually they come back from the pain and despair, depression controlled is the key. Understand yourself and your threshold then help yourself by admitting your own faults, don't let anything hang over you, let go of all negative feelings. I take medication for my bi-polar disorder and it has helped with the love and support of my family. Never allow yourself to cope alone; suicide can claim anyone at anytime. I have dealt with almost all types of death in my life, truly most of us have, until the suicide of my brother I never considered myself a depressed person, however after that moment I became distant, lost inside. I found myself lashing out angrily at many around me; I even tried to make myself commit the act of self death. I couldn't see what I was doing to anyone else I only allowed myself to focus on myself and the pain and desolation I felt. At that very moment I realized the answer to suicide, not the every reason why mind you, yet the understanding of my brothers why. He had no clue what he was doing to anyone else only that he saw how others would be better without him because he himself lashed out, remain angry, mean and even vicious at times. And yes, selfishness is an important part of why someone commits suicide in the first place. In conclusion every day affirm yourself of who you are inside, not what you do, who you have that loves you and make sure you always appreciate those that need you or those you may need yourself. Life is the most precious and beautiful thing among us and without life there is nothing. Suicide is murder; however, the only victims are those you leave behind.

Learn more about this author, Clayton Mcewen.
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