While focusing on the bald spot at the crown of my bartenders head, I begin to review my extensive knowledge on the subject of money. After a brief mental wrestling match, I come up with three things that are absolutely true about money.

1)Paper currency smells real bad if you take the time to check.
2)Coins are a worthless nuisance now that you can stick a dollar bill in the vending machines.
3)Credit seems to be the true money in todays world, and its overuse has caused the stock market to drop faster than George Bush's approval ratings.

These are my three absolutes, not counting the vodka in my glass.

The best place to get additional information about money would be my bank, which just happens to be right across the street from this bar. The police here in Tucson have an interesting technique that they call cuff and stuff, which is a catchy phrase, but uncomfortable when applied. For that reason, I remain glued to my bar stool.

Personally, my only concern about money is restricted to making sure that I can afford the apple butter to cover my waffles. dry waffles are the number one cause of choking deaths in men over fifty.

Another interesting statistic involving money is the revelation that the number one cause of divorce in this country is financial problems. My marriage has never been in jeopardy despite going through some difficult financial times. In the early years of our marriage, Wanda and I slept on the floor, and sustained ourselves on one meal a day.

Instead of causing us to separate, the financial struggles brought us closer together, and made us stronger. Misery loves company. We have been married for 34 years, which is one year longer than Charlie Manson has been in prison.

Money can be used for good or evil, but contains neither of those qualities in and of itself, because money is inanimate. Money stays where it's put, unless the fan is on. It takes people to bring out those characteristics.

Our currency is made up of a combination of linen and cotton, similar to my shirt. My shirt is not good, my shirt is not evil, it is simply too tight.

Money can't feed a child, but people can.
Money can't buy you happiness, but you can find it within you.
Money can't solve your problems, but it will hire a hitman.

Some folks choose to hoard their money, and die with vast riches accumulated, that can't go with them.

Other people are generous beyond their means, and die destitute, yet rich in a way that most of us will never know.

If I offered you the choice of owning a 2008 Porsche 911 Turbo, or giving 124,000 hungry people one McChicken each, which would you choose?

Of course the easy answer is to say you would do both or neither, but this is my story, and those are your only two choices. Which would be more rewarding to you? Don't forget that the Porsche can do 0-60 in 3.7 seconds.

Money merely shines a light on the true nature within each individual that comes into contact with it. It is our own free will, and the desires of our heart, that will determine what type of steward we will be.

Good? Evil? Or maybe just average.

As i write the final words of my discourse on my napkin, Julio brings me my sixth mojito. I slide him a ten, and tell him to keep the change.

Now that was money well spent.

Learn more about this author, Alan Rogers.
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