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by Robin Tidwell

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All of us are born with a healthy awareness of self; babies have a certain self-centeredness which is necessary for survival - they cry when they are hungry, frightened, or uncomfortable. Their needs are first and foremost, in their minds, and they seldom tolerate any notion to the contrary.

Toddlers certainly exhibit self-esteem; many of us are familiar with the "Toddlers' Poem" which states, among many things, that if "I touch it, it's mine; if I want it, it's mine; if you drop it, it's mine." Toddlers can, however, certainly handle being told "no"; it's probably the most frequent word they hear.

As children grow older, they may hear "no" less frequently - this is something often compatible with their behaviors. Most children learn what is and is not allowed, although they do certainly test their parents on occasion. However, most still believe the world revolves around them. Teenagers, too, can be quite self-centered.

How, then, can we justify the phrase "raising children with high self-esteem"? Children are born with high self-esteem; the trick is not lowering that, not making them feel unloved and unworthy or stupid and useless. Neither, however, is it wise to "raise" that level of self-awareness.

According to the US Department of Justice, most federal prisoners exhibit very high self-esteem; this seems natural, given that prisoners are incarcerated for a reason or reasons: they feel above the law; they feel much smarter/better than others (and believe that others are of lower intelligence, i.e., the judge, the police, and so forth); and they took the easy way out - stealing as opposed to an honest day's work, for example.

Too many parents today believe they must be very, very concerned with their child's self-esteem. Why? It bears repeating: children are born having their own best interests at heart. Parents would be better served (as would the world in which this child must grow and live) if they spent their time teaching their child that the world does NOT revolve around him, that life is NOT fair, that some people are better at things than he will ever be, that sometimes you will win, sometimes you will lose and again, that may NOT be fair.

Of course there are ways to accomplish this and other methods which may even be considered "wrong" or, at the bottom of the scale, emotionally abusive. One would not tell a child he was "evil" or "worthless" or "useless"; but one might tell a child not to take himself so seriously, or to think of others, or to help and serve others in age-appropriate ways. One might urge and encourage a child to see beyond his own need and wants and desires.

To maintain your child's already healthy self-esteem, one could teach his child certain caretaking skills, again, in an age-appropriate manner, such as doing laundry, helping with household chores, gardening, cooking, social niceties, and so forth. These things can give a child pride in accomplishment and true satisfaction in a job well done. Furthermore, a child will indeed grow up and someday be responsible for these things for himself and perhaps others. He, too, may have to pass along skills to his own children; and think how competent one feels when learning a new skill or perfecting one. Children who are learning and evolving and growing can certainly find many things, as they are taught, to be successful at and be proud of, without the use of false praise or bogus arrogance.

Parents who constantly give excessive praise every single time their child ties his shoes correctly, or makes his bed properly, or finishes a foot race while coming in last, parents who continually tell their child how wonderful and special and fantastic he is for each and every simple accomplishment - or worse yet, those parents who tell the child that is doesn't matter if his team lost the game because "everyone is a winner" - these parents are doing their child a very, very great disservice, and these parents are the ones raising impossible, selfish, ungrateful, whiny children who become adults of the same ilk.

Learn more about this author, Robin Tidwell.

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