by Barb Jackson

• Writing:

• A
• A
• A

Deciding if this is the hill I want to die on, is a phrase a good friend of mine uses when dealing with her children. I've always believed that picking your battles depends on our core values as parents and the values we want to instill in our teens. Admittedly I'm very laid back and pretty liberal in my parenting style, so get over it already if you think I'm too easy.

But really, my philosophy is to avoid "battles." Why do we need battles when we can have a core set of beliefs that our children understand. If we have a core set of values, then it's easy for children to understand our rules our expectations and our guidelines. Believe it or not, I have very few battles with my two girls because they understand my family values and also they know they won't win when I say no.

The values I've always had with my kids are, respect for others and yourself, safety, and honesty. These are relatively broad values, but they encompass those things that are important to me as an individual and as a parent. My girls know well enough by now that there are severe consequences when they violate these values but because they understand these values, I have very few battles with them.

I don't worry about curfews if I know who they're with and where they are. I don't yell and scream when my 15 year old wants to die her hair the color of the rainbow. A messy bedroom doesn't put me over the edge (I just close the door.) Piercings don't upset me if that's what my girls would want, and a swear word on occasion does not send me to the bathroom for soap.

My girls do understand respect, and they do respect me by helping this single mom with the laundry and cleaning. They treat their peers and adults kindly and with respect and they have respect for themselves. They also know that the consequences for lying or being dishonest are much more severe than any act that they are trying to cover up. And they know that safety includes sexual relationships, riding in cars, drugs, and being in the wrong places.

So when I make a decision that my kids may disagree with, I just go back to my core values and explain that my answer is no. They may not agree with my decision but knowing the values, they usually reluctantly understand. And they know all too well the consequences for violating the values.

Instilling my values to my girls at early ages has greatly reduced me needing to pick my battles. They have a good idea in advance about when I will say no and on the other hand they realize they enjoy alot of freedom too. I'm not saying that we don't have battles but we don't have them very often. I'm not saying this will work for every parent of teenagers but I know it works for us. My girls work hard in school, have many friends, are respected by their teachers and I have a wonderful open relationship with both of them. I can honestly say that i love my teenage girls.

Learn more about this author, Barb Jackson.

Add your voice
Know something about Parenting teens: Knowing how to choose your battles? We want to hear your view. Write now!