How should we refer to people?

One of the most vivid of my growing up memories is the stern admonishments that my siblings and I got, from our mom, to not talk about or refer to other persons unless we had good things to say about them. We were taught not to criticize other persons because our criticisms only made others think less of us. We were taught that, if we were angry, upset or afraid of someone, the best thing for us to do was to stop thinking about, or talking about, that person. The lesson was that, if we could succeed in getting that person out of our minds, our confidence and self esteem would make us stronger and better than that person could ever become.

I can not speak for my siblings. For me, however, those teachings of my mom had considerable impact upon my thinking and acting. Although it was too difficult for me to stop thinking about persons who upset, angered or scared me, I was often able to refrain from talking about them. I learned that the less I talked about them, the sooner I forgot about them. I learned that my mom was right about "praying them away", before I went to sleep at night.

As I matured into adulthood, it became my firm conviction that the best way to refer to other persons, if and when I needed to do so, was to refer to them in ways that might be similar to the ways they referred to themselves, when they were speaking well of themselves and wanted to have others think well of them. I became convinced that, whenever I needed to refer to persons whom I did not know, it was best to refer to them in polite, respectful terms. I learned that it was always best to honestly admit it, when I was being prompted to talk about someone who was really not known by me. It was best to say, "I don't know that person". If persons were strangers to me, my practice became, to speak to them in courteous, respectful ways. If people were known to me, my practice was to still speak to, or about them respectfully, or to have nothing to say to, or about them.

Few things are more angering or everlastingly unforgivable than to be deliberately referred to by one or another of the demeaning, hateful epithets used by racial bigots in their attempts to convince themselves that they are better than other persons. Few things are more effective at countering the negative energies created by the utterances of bigots than deliberately referring to other people in polite, nurturing, respectful terms.

When we refer to people, whether we know them or not, in courteous, respectful ways we help to minimize the massive amounts of negative energy with which our society is impacted. Those negative energies are constantly increased by persons who are constant critics, fault finders, and/or gossip mongers. Such persons should not be listened to. They should be encouraged to change their habits of thinking and speaking.

My mom obviously knew this many decades ago. I have come to fully realize the need to consistently speak well to and about other persons, in recent decades. I have begun to practice doing this, consistently, in recent times. As we continue to work towards the betterment of our selves, our families and loved ones and our cultures and societies, we need to keep in mind that the ways in which we refer to people needs to be given consistent thought and attention. We all need to consciously improve ourselves, in this regard.

Learn more about this author, Calsue Murray.
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