Some people wonder what the mindset of a person who has an eating disorder is. Knowing fully that I have a problem, I am currently seeking help. But through this problem I found it useful to write what I feel while I am feeling it. So I wrote somewhat of a short story of my journey so far, and placed it below. I found after writing it that it is similar to what others have felt and how they have acted. Although I have only met a few that were as big as I was or close to it, it still follows what many people deal with every day. So I believe it may become useful to this world in understanding those of us who hate our bodies so much it brings us to the point of anorexia and bulimia.

On the outside, we were normal. Inside our home was a completely different story. No one really got along. The only reason the kids did, was because they had to; if they didn't they were all alone. I was not like the rest of the kids though, I kept to myself. Every thought and feeling was stored inside me and what came out instead was the acts of an immature little girl. So what I was like when I was younger created who I am today.

To this day I hold all my problems inside, and now find that tears will not even come to my eyes. Decision after decision I have made have all seemed to be mistakes. I have always been one to eat and eat, simply to keep my mouth full and unable to speak truth. I could not risk someone not understanding and treating me differently. So when I really looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in years, I hated what I saw. Not only did I see an overweight ugly woman, but I saw pain and sorrow. I knew something had to be done about it.

At that time I was two hundred and thirty-five pounds. My friends and family would say that I wore it well, but I knew the truth. They only said it so I would not feel bad. Two hundred and thirty-five pounds is not a weight anyone can wear well, so that is when the dieting started. First the soda was taken completely out, then the ice cream. Slowly things began to disappear from the list of things I would allow myself to eat. Exercise also became a part of my routine; not much, but a little running here and there. I told myself that I just wanted to get under two hundred pounds and I would be much happier. So that day came, and the happiness did not follow. A new goal was set; one hundred and ninety and I would be happy.

I did not even hit that goal before a realization set in; I am and always will be

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