Where should I begin? I have lived with generalized anxiety and panic disorder throughout my entire life. For as long as I can remember I have had an underlying sense of insecurity and a constant cloud of impending doom hanging above my head. Sounds incredibly depressing...I know, but it is part of me and an aspect of my life that I have successfully learned to live with throughout the past few years.

For those who do not suffer from an anxiety or a panic disorder it is difficult to explain how it can alter a person's viewpoint and perception of their surroundings. There have been many times that I have begun to have symptoms of a panic attack in a public place and no one around me has been able to help or calm me down. I have been at dinner in nice places and in the middle of the meal an incredible fear will seize me. I will freeze and break out in a cold sweat even though my body temperature skyrockets to 101 on bad days. I have to admit it always amazes me that I can raise my own body temperature that high when I have an episode. My heart begins to beat so fast and feels as if it has moved into my esophagus. That is the point where my fear becomes unbearable and my breathing becomes labored. It is quite strange because many times my episodes do not seem to have a trigger that I am consciously aware of. In public many times my panic attacks appear to be totally random with a subconscious trigger. Needless to say however, it is embarrassing and leaves me feeling like a nut case.

The first signs of my anxiety showed up when I was six years old after my grandmother passed away. The disorder may have manifested itself when I learned of her untimely death and tried to work it out in my own mind as a very young child. For the next two years I would wake up every morning eat breakfast and then promptly throw everything back up. I lost weight and did not get any taller for two years. It seems that my anxiety level stunted my growth and caused me to have severe stomach problems even at the young age of six.

As I got older my family began to experience major trauma as my mother's health deteriorated and she became blind. My anxiety and panic got much worse throughout my adolescent years and manifested itself into rebellion, alcohol and drugs. I found myself hating authority and acting out in ways that were not necessary. In high school I began drinking regularly and often ended up drinking before classes and especially before I had to sit through any exams.

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