I had a part time job in a library and there were a million things the patrons did to annoy me. One lady asked me for a book, but the only information that she could give me was that the book is red. Another man would say "beep" every time I scanned the books. Thinking of ways how to irritate the patrons is like sweet revenge for me. As long as you promise to only annoy the other patrons and leave the poor librarians alone, here are some ideas.

1. Cry loudly.
We all know how annoying it is when somebody is reading and guffaws loudly. You are dead curious to know what is the big joke but the reader just shakes his head and carries on. How about being a bit different and cry for a change. Get yourself a big handkerchief and blow your nose very noisily. Settle down, pick up the book, read one sentence and burst out into tears all over again.

2. Buy a book from a discount bin, preferably one with lots of pictures. Seat yourself next to a prim and proper looking patron and start cutting lustily away. Make yourself a beautiful collage from the pictures. Then be sure to mention to our patron that you really like the books in this library because they have the nicest pictures.

3. Read out loud.
Get a book from the children's section and read it out aloud. Take your time and struggle over the words. Ask the person sitting near you how to read easy words like "dog" and "cat".

4. Sssshhh a parent.
Get the heaviest, most serious looking tome you can find and go and squash yourself into one of those little chairs in the children's section. Whenever a parent shows up with a child, look up all irritated and sshhh him or her loudly.

5. Play cards.
Look for a really quiet corner in the library where are the serious readers sit. Then bring a friend and a pack of playing cards and start to plat "Snap" or "Go Fish" as loudly as you can.

6. Squeak.
Walk up and down the passages wearing the most squeakiest shoes that you can find. Be sure to walk near the study area. If somebody looks up to give you a look, stage whispers loudly "sorry" and start to tippy-toe, a squeaky tippy-toe of course.

7. Start coughing.
Sit quietly and read and then built up a coughing spell. First cough a little bit and then wait a while. Slowly built up the intensity until everybody stare at you. Then get out a bottle of water, take a big gulp and say loudly, "Thank you, I am feeling much better now."
Settle down a bit and then start all over again.

8. Embarrass someone.
Find books with obscure sounding names like "Sex for the elder person" or "How to dress a bit smarter." Then go to the nearest most suitable candidate and recommend the book. Tell them that you are sure that they will enjoy reading the book.

9. Dig in your nose.
Do not do it in a sneaky furtive way, be very open about. Catch someone's eye and just go about your business. If you can engage someone in conversation while digging in your nose, even better. I promise you that people have done this to me, it is not such an unlikely scenario.

10. Deny a fart.
This, I agree, belongs more to a frat boy's behavior. You must admit that they are the ones who seems to be able to fart at will. Let's say you did had a meal with a lot of beans and a fart do manage to escape. Make a big show of waving the smell away while staring at the person sitting next to you. If it is really smelly, pinch your nose and breath audibly through your mouth. Don't forget the stare at the guy next to you. If it is a woman, even better.

I hope you had as much fun reading this article as I had writing it. If you do manage to use any of these ideas, don't tell them where you have read it!

Learn more about this author, Marina Shemesh.
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