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by Gypsy LeRey

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If you want to encourage healthy independence in teens, you have to give them opportunities to feel that they are in control of their own lives, at least to some extent. The fact is, we all need to feel that we are in control of our lives, and kids are no exception. When your child acts out, it's not just about pissing you off. They may actually be trying to communicate to you a feeling of powerlessness in a world where adults make all the rules. Keeping this in mind, the next time you find yourself butting heads with a difficult child, don't look for ways to force them to change. Instead, consider a more empowering approach: Try listening to them!

I came to this insight through a rather desperate experiment while completing a counseling internship for my psychology degree. At the time I was working in a residential shelter for delinquent teens, which can sometimes feel like a daily battle of wills. For example, after one week with a particularly unruly group of kids, the house was completely out of control, with the residents in fierce competition to see who could break the most rules in the shortest amount of time. The more faculty tried to enforce rules and control the environment, the more determined they seemed to rebel.

Realizing that I needed to get their attention (and FAST), I tore the "house rules" poster off the wall and ripped it to shreds. The kids fell silent! Capitalizing on the moment, I announced to the group that the old rules were outdated, and I asked them for help in creating a more "realistic" set of rules to follow.

Initially I was treated to obscenities (they didn't believe that I really valued their input) but I ignored it and began discussing the meaning of the shelters "Mission Statement." I told them that I would adhere to whatever rules they came up with so long as they were realistic and did not violate the safety or legal codes of the shelter.

For the next two hours, these unruly teen "delinquents" worked together to create a new "house rules" poster. Their ideas were not only responsible, but they were thoughtful and challenging as well. In the end, most of the old rules were back on the board (their decision), along with several that did not exist before! Furthermore, they made (and honored) a group pledge to hold one another accountable for following those rules!

What I learned from this experience was that the rules were not the issue. They were merely a symbol to these kids that they were powerless. When they refused to listen and follow the rules, they were asserting themselves in the only way they knew how: by saying "NO." However, by listening to them and allowing them a greater sense of control over their lives, I eliminated the power struggle and made constructive communication possible. As a result, this group of kids chose to adjust their own attitudes.

Learn more about this author, Gypsy LeRey.

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