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by Carrie Heath

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Recently, my oldest child turned 14. In the middle of a work day just prior to school starting, I got a call on my cell; "himomimgoingtosleepoveratkyleshouseiloveyouseeyoula terbye!" was the 1/2 second, no breath sentence my son sent over the air. I called him back. An interesting conversation ensued, beginning with, "You are the best mom ever!" and somewhere in the middle he pronounced grandly, "Now that I'm 14 I am almost an adult and should be able to make my own decisions."

After getting the snickers under control, I thoughtfully allowed that yes, he was almost an adult. But being an adult means making wise choices and taking responsibility for himself and others. Beginning with the expectations we have for adults, like keeping up with bills, house and yard work, cooking, cleaning, caring for those around us, and respecting the people we love or care for enough to ask permission to do something that may affect another.

Teaching my children consequences of actions or words is one of the most rewarding parts of my life as a mom. Using this conversation as an example, I started with "well son, as an adult making your own decisions, you will first take care of your responsibilities before the fun sleepover. You can start by sorting your laundry and doing at least 2 loads. Don't forget to fold them and put them away. (silence.) Then you can take care of your dog - he needs a walk, water, and food. (more silence.) Then you can take care of the dishes you left in the sink, and as a responsible adult you will take care of all the other dishes as well - that is courtesy to your family and housemates (slight groan of protest). Then you should consider how you are going to pay your portion of the house payment, phone, computer, cable, electrical, and water bills - as an adult, you have to take care of these, but because there are 5 of us using all of these, you can pay only 1/5 of these items (loud protestations of child abuse, followed by grudging request for sleepover)."

The action of my son asserting too much independence resulted in a listing of accountability, for which he knows he is not yet prepared. From our conversation, he understands that when the time comes, I am willing to let him go, but that time is not now. It is way too easy as a parent to blame the schools or society for our childrens' poor choices, but through love, judicious discipline and explanation of consequence, our kids can grow up to be pretty great people. The problem of course centers around what type of reaction to our childrens' actions are appropriate at what age. Would I have had this type of conversation with him at 7, 9 or 11? No, absolutely not. He needed greater guidance at those points in his life, and my response to his declaration of independence at 7 would have been some time in his room to think and no sleepover, at 9 some time to think, no sleepover and a consequence, at 11 some time to think, a consequence and maybe a sleepover if he could explain why his bid for independence at that age was inappropriate.

We begin our children's discipline with removal of pleasant things for small children (time outs, removal of favorite toys, removal of tv/computer/games). We remove more things as consequences for our older children (grounding, no party, no phone, no videogames), and forget that as our kids become teens, it isn't the removal of pleasant things that will be most effective, but the consequence of decisions or actions on their part, and the realization that they not only effect themselves, but those around them or their environment.

Keeping the lines of communication with your children is key to his or her growth as a person. Recognizing the stresses in his or her life, making sure that you are available to talk, and giving a time frame to discuss issues important to you and your child when you are not immediately available are vital in keeping his or her life healthy. Recognizing that a 9 year old needs more freedom than a 3 year old, that a 15 year old needs even more freedom of self than that, and that your 18 year old is ready to begin the next, most scary stage of his or her life is incredible.

A couple weeks after this conversation with my son, he came up to me and gave me a spontanious hug. When I asked him what that was for, he said it was for being in charge, but still letting him be himself. He knows I am always there for him, we have great talks about his life, his siblings, his real dad and his stepdad, my life, and even the world in general. I no longer lecture to him as I did when he was small, but listen, really hard, to what he has to say. He is smart, funny and knows way more than I think he should, but by talking through everything, I know where he is at in life, what he needs from me as mom, and what to expect from him every day.

Learn more about this author, Carrie Heath.

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