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What Women Want.

Mel Gibson made a bit of money pretending on the big screen that he could hear what women think, what they want and predictably, this ended with Mel's complete metamorphosis into some cliched Hollywood version of an ideal male, thereby getting him the girl.

Give me a break. What women want, and what we need are two very different things. Our needs are simple, the wants endless.

We need you to listen, and just to be there for us, unconditionally.

What we want can be as different as night and day, depending on the woman. What we want can change over time. What held true in our twenties may well be irrelevant in our forties. No rule book, no magic answer there.

Oddly enough, if you can give us what we "need" you will quickly learn, all on your own, what your particular woman wants and easily meet both her needs, and her wants.

Listen means just that. Listen.

Do not try to fix, do not offer advice, do not offer helpful suggestions. Listen. Nod at appropriate intervals. Repeat what we just said, occasionally so we know you are tracking. If you aren't tracking, ask us to repeat ourselves, it shows you are listening. Active listening is difficult. Fortune 500 companies pay top dollars to teach their executives how to actively listen. It is not a natural ability, it requires work. If you value your relationship, it is well worth the effort. The mind wanders, the subject matter may be uninteresting, or something you don't even understand. It may be a subject you feel has been discussed to death. Listen anyway.

Be there for us, unconditionally.

I say unconditional because it truly makes a difference. You can be there, a physical body, but not really be there emotionally, where it counts. Unconditional is key, and it is equally, if not more difficult than active listening. Unconditional means that even if we do something stupid, really stupid like forget to enter a withdrawal in the checking register or ignore that check oil light, you really really try to roll with it. Make us feel less stupid if you can. We are human, we make mistakes. We need to know that even when we do, you still love us, despite our flaws. We handle things, and take things differently than you do. If you actively listen to our bad day at work, even if you think we are completely overreacting, not only are you actively listening, you are being there. Brownie points. Big time. Tease gently. We can take it from our siblings, our girlfriends, even our kids. You, our spouse, have the power to hurt easily, so think carefully before that "loving dig" flies out of your mouth, unheeded.

There are a few universal truths.

1. Make us feel valued. Little things, silly things, count in big ways.

Take out the garbage without being asked, unload the dishwasher every occasionally. Thank us if you really enjoy the meal that has been prepared. Hold hands while you watch your favorite TV show. Acknowledging daily little things will pay off for you in ways you cannot imagine. It does not take grand gestures to make an impact. Trust me.

2. Do not compare.

Let's face it, you don't want to be compared to our ex, our father, our best friends husband, and fall short. Do not do it to the woman in your life. Think it, if you must, but keep it to yourself.

3. If you are asked, "Does this make me look fat?", lie.

Just in case you haven't heard this before. We will tell you we want an honest opinion but really, we do not. We would like to think that we do, and from our girlfriends, we can handle it but from you, we cannot. Immature yes, but hey, it is honest.

Beyond that, you are on your own. Listen, be there unconditionally and the rest of the things that truly matter to the woman in your life will become clear. It really is that simple.

Learn more about this author, Cynthia Raecker.
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