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Were they kidding? A yuppie pair of adolescent girls rifled through underwear in the Pink section of Victoria's secret. "These ones say small but they still look big!" said the blond thong holding trollop. Here I was pissed for only being able to find 1 large pair of anything. Only a moment had passed before the more modest of the two, proceeded to pick up the matching pair of mine only in a small and proclaimed, "Here is a cute pair of granny panties for you Britt!" Both girls giggled in their own trampy amusement.

Time to change sections before someone dies.
Alas, perfume section. You can be overcharged for novelty underwear, yet still get free squirts of overpriced body sprays!

A crusty nosed toddler chased a marble through the store with fierce determination, rewarding himself with a scream at his every triumph. His mother was out of sight and obviously picking out her newest robes in which to be inseminated again, God please no.

Ooh self spray tanner, however this would require exfoliation followed by shaving which would mean the purchase of the tanner, new razors, shave cream, and of course a sugar scrub. These people are marketing gurus.

Countless tables were lined with lace and fabric all viewable in the light and touchable in the dark as they should be. Why else would they charge sixty eight dollars for a yard of fabric? However, Nothing flatters a mid bodice bump. Let's keep it moving.

Pregnancy requires its own size of underwear, NOT Large, it should be called Extra Medium. Just because one is pregnant, one does not become LARGE. Or a new size should be placed between medium and large called "Pregnium". Genius.

Sales girls were busy airing their most recent dirty laundry to one another except for one. The hard worker was obviously frustrated, re-organizing the work of the trampy teens on the cotton panty table. Perhaps it is time to bid farewell to my favorite panty sanctuary, at least until my bottom half returns to its usual non-intimidating self. If by chance I develop ever so gracefully into an extra large, it may be necessary to retire underwear altogether.
Somebody please check me out now.

Learn more about this author, Monica Caplan.
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