Every "Top Ten" list of things to do in your life has obvious goals like:

Travel to blah blah far away
Teach something to someone
Learn a foreign language you'll never use
Write the next great American overrated drivel

and so on.

But wouldn't it be great if you made a list of completely selfish, wasteful activities that don't make you better in any way, but give you something interesting to look back on; something to smile about when you're old, with a few quirky stories for the grandkids? What would that kind of honesty look like?

Probably something like this:

1) Get the Ms. Pacman Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest time through the first five stages (currently held at 2'5.80").

2) Publish a book of philosophy focusing on the wisdom drawn from Star Wars paralleled with the 1960's t.v. show "Mr. Ed." Call it, "Use the Force, of Course of Course."

3) Sell one million copies of that book.

4) Live in an apartment filled from floor to ceiling with inflated balloons for one month.

5) Learn how to say, "That shirt doesn't match those pants" in 16 different languages.

6) Perform at an open mic night during which you stay completely silent on stage until you are booed mercilessly, then physically forced off stage.

7) During a busy lunch rush at a crowded deli order a sandwich using every type of deli meat, every condiment choice, and the most exotic bread available, then when you get to the register, say that you forgot your wallet at home and walk out.

8) Touch a penguin in the wild.

9) Create a scavenger hunt by visiting your local library and writing messages in the margins of book pages that lead a curious reader from book to book, eventually leading them to page 100 of "Great Expectations" by Dickens which has a note that says, "You're an idiot."

10) Take a road trip with friends, and when it's your turn to drive and everyone is asleep, take them to New Jersey. If anyone wakes up and wonders what's going on, just tell them that you found a shortcut, and that mapquest is never wrong.

Achievements are an illusion. Setting goals is great, and we should all strive to be better, but the point of these "Ten Things To Do" kind of lists isn't the actual items contained within. It's not about WHAT you strive to do, only THAT you strive.

Who can tell you at the end of your life that you wasted your time here because you didn't climb a mountain or master impressionistic painting? Don't let your brief moment on this earth go to waste, but don't overcompensate by wishing for the stale dreams of others. Find something that inspires you - that gives YOU joy, and if nothing else makes you laugh.

"Laugh" should be numbers 1-10. Everything else is just filler.

Now get out there and fill your pants with mustard you go-getter, you.

Learn more about this author, Captain Average.
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