by Theresa O'Riordan

Created on: April 14, 2008   Last Updated: December 23, 2010

My monumental, life-long struggle with mental illness has left me incapacitated at times, taking on the world at others. It has caused me to become paranoid to the point of defending myself against threats no one else seems to perceive. There are many facets of mental illness worth exploring, many questions that come up such as, is mental illness defined the same in every culture? But in order to illustrate my struggles, I will focus on one of its most serious and constant manifestations in my life, and that is my eating disorders.

Regardless of my weight, I have, throughout my life, been obsessed with being fat. It never mattered if I was 110 pounds or 190. The fat was always there. I say this not so that people will rush to my aid and say I'm crazy, nor in order to fish for compliments, but because, for many years, I really WAS crazy in this regard. At 13, I was anorexic, at 18 bulimic, and at 20, both again. But even if we put all of that aside, the fact is, no matter what I saw in pictures or in the mirror, I nearly cried, or actually did.

Fast forward to a few days ago when I was looking at some old pictures and came across one from when I was first going out with my husband about seven years ago. I was the skinniest I'd been since I was anorexic. And I was proud, looking back. Nice huh? Looking back, I looked as if I had not a care in the world, as if I could get away with wearing anything, as if I had it all together. I remember when this particular picture was taken, back then when I was so skinny, looking at it and crying and hiding in the bathroom. Well, when I saw it again the other day, I almost cried all over again, because I realized I shouldn't have ever been so worried. I couldn't believe I'd spent so much time and thought beating myself up about my weight. For most of my life, every day, most of the day, that is the number one thing on my mind. Even during periods when some other stress is greater or some other issue is far more pressing, the body image issue never goes away. No matter how I work on dissolving my ego, and how much I turn my attention outward to other issues, or focus on my personality traits instead, the warped mindset never leaves me.

The worst times for me and my eating disorders have been times of great change. They say that those of us with eating disorders are trying to control our surroundings through the only way we really know how. During stressful times I would find myself starving myself to show how sick and mentally

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