by Robin Tidwell

Created on: April 12, 2008   Last Updated: April 22, 2008

Grandparents, like parents, usually want what is best for the children - but grandparents have already raised their own children, and so perhaps feel entitled to be a bit lax on discipline and rules when it comes to the grandchildren. They may or may not have more time, per se, to enjoy them, but they do have a certain lack of responsibility and therefore more capacity to just play and have fun.

Naturally, children pick up on this and are aware that they can "get away" with things at Grandma and Grandpa's house; they likely have no chores, no particular rules, and plenty of time for "fun stuff". It's almost like Disneyland! Grandparents can, however, do their grandchildren a great disservice by ignoring all forms of etiquette and structure.

A crabby child, whether at Grandma's or back home again, is not a pleasant child; a child who has eaten nothing but junk food, not gotten a proper amount of rest, and never been told "no" over the course of a week, a weekend, or even a few hours, is not a child that parents are prepared to have back in their home.

There are plenty of ways for grandparents to enjoy their grandchildren, but that doesn't mean that any and all rules must fly out the window - the visit, as well as the aftermath facing parents, will be much more agreeable if a few ground rules are observed.

Grandparents are people too, of course, and probably adhere to regular mealtimes and fairly healthy food choices - there is no reason for this to change upon a visit from the grandchildren. Typical bedtimes, too, should be observed, as proper rest is necessarily for the well-being of all. Of course there will be junk food, and of course, sometimes, a child will be up and/or out at an activity a bit later than parents prefer - this is part and parcel of grandparenting, a bit of spoiling is allowed.

Sometimes grandparents opt to take their grandchildren shopping or on vacation or do activities that perhaps parents have neither the time nor money to do children are not stupid, of course they know the difference between the two homes. This in itself does not create little monsters, the possible lack of insistence on good manners may do so - children should be taught to be polite and thankful and grateful, and grandparents should reinforce the parental role, not sabotage it.

Grandparents and their adult children often clash in one or more of several areas: scheduling, rules, and the degree of appropriateness in activities or toys. This can be partially alleviated by simply discussing and knowing upfront what is and is not allowed. However, often the rules invoked by the parents are interpreted to be unusually restrictive and/or unnecessary by the grandparents, and so there can be conflict. On the other hand, children often have harmless "secrets" with their grandparents - this is grandparenting.

What to do when the children return home? Encourage them to tell about their visit, where they went, what they ate, and so forth. Snuggle or cuddle and speak quietly and calmly. Perhaps interject a few questions or comments comparing their home to Grandma's, the differences in rules and activities and meals.

Children thrive on routine and knowing what is expected - the quicker they return to the customary habits of their home, the quicker they will return to their normal selves; extra sleep and a firm manner in the first few days will certainly help with this transition.

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