We have all heard bigger is better. At least that's what the snake oil marketers tell us. These charlatans tell me that whatever my desire in life it can be fulfilled by having a bigger one. Or ones. I've come to the conclusion that part of it is cultural as in the "American Way." We do everything in a bigger way. That's why nobody wants a smaller one. No matter what it is.

A good part of this new bigger better marketing methodology makes no sense to me. I watch the ad on TV and I can't figure out what the heck they're selling.

Here's a middle aged couple sitting next to each other on the couch. She is running her index finger in circles on his cheek and he's got a goofy grin. I don't know whether he has eczema, ringworm, lice or she is giving him a Feng Shui massage.

I'm wrong on all counts. She is trying to get him into the sack. Could have fooled me. These are old folks, what are they going to do in bed? They're middle aged for goodness sakes. They should know better. Absolutely no shame these days. Besides, why should I care? What's in all this for me? Why would I be interested in attracting old, ugly women? What if they won't go home?

What will my wife say? 'Hey, you, what's this old ugly woman doing here?'

So the implication is if sweetie pie in the ad gives her man a pill of 'man pumper'; then he will stop his daydreaming about other old ugly women and turn his rusty old passion toward her.

Now, that's all well and good on the marketer's whiteboard. But in real life the issue for this couple isn't so much can he do it but does he want to do it. And, perhaps just as importantly, does he want to do it with her.

This difference is fundamental, especially for the party that doesn't want to do it. In this instance, a simple survey would reveal most men his age would prefer a pill that would calm her down and get her mind on something else. Like football or golf. And leave him alone.

So that brings us full circle to the big male organ and why all these folks I don't really know are so keenly interested that I grow mine. I guess that's what one does. Grows it that is. It doesn't go from one size to the next instantly, no? Perhaps it grows through stages? Pee wee, pint size, medium and jumbo?

My guess is there are a whole lot of companies in the business of trying to make this happen, considering the tons of e-mail I get referring to the subject. For some reason they seem to think I should be worried.

What me worry?

I probably

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