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Having taught essay technique to College & University students in the UK for about 12 years, these tips really are invaluable gems for those seeking the highest grades. Although written for comic effect, the points made actually highlight the perennial pitfalls of student essays at College level.

Spoof

Firstly, never write the question at the top of the page, a general topic is quite sufficient because if you don't remember the question correctly, it just serves to give the lecturer an opportunity, or more likely an excuse, to mark you down.

Although some argue that an introduction is the foundation of any essay, just like a solid foundations of a house, don't believe it. It's far better just to get stuck in & say what you can remember, or decipher from your handwritten class notes. The solid foundations of a house metaphor is way over played & as soon as the housing market hots up again, turnover will be so quick that when your house falls down, you'll be long gone, HIP or no HIP (Home Information Pack).

Never define concepts as this is boring & don't include a justified agenda as this is simply a glorified shopping list & we all hate shopping, well, for groceries anyway.

Never use paragraphs that break up your work as this merely suggests that you can't concentrate for long periods of time without a break. One continuous block of text shows you have stamina. Paragraphs are a bit like blinking during a job interview, they show weakness.

Using empirical studies to support your points should also be avoided because remembering them can be tedious & most are so dated that they are now irrelevant. Additionally, theories should also be ignored as we live in a post-modern society where the metta-narrative is dead. Post-Modernists like Lyotard have done us all a big favour by supporting the concept as we no longer have to learn about awkward Modernists like Marx, Durkheim, Weber or Comte.

Therefore, the majority of any essay or term paper should largely be comprised of your opinion on the topic. It's your opinion that counts & now that learners are actually customers, isn't the customer always right? This dictum also comes in handy if the lecturer happens to be difficult about the quality of your written submission.

Finally, avoid evaluative conclusions. It is far safer to end an essay by saying that all sides of the argument are equally plausible & it just depends on your opinion. Failing that, just finish when your pen starts to run low, or EastEnders is about to start.

Learn more about this author, Julian Salisbury.
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