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This is not a first, though. In my early twenties, I experimented with birth control as a means of alleviating excruciatingly painful cramping during my cycle. Yes, this was under doctor's orders. The pills resulted in fibroid tumors forming, and I was forced to choose between one pain or another. Once, I discontinued use of "the pill," the fibrosis dissolved, and of course, I wrote them off as useless, as far as my period was concerned.

Now, I grapple with mustering up the courage to begin the doctor's visits again. I really even only think about it when I'm in the thick of the depression. As aforementioned, once I'm in the clear, I feel so much better, emotionally and physically, that my perception of the world, and everything in it that relates to me is much more positive. A gynecologist visit is the last thing on my mind.

Discussing PMS, and its possible influences with the onset of monthly bouts of depression is a very personal thing... almost shaming. I've disciplined myself much better in not making any rash decisions during this time, and even trying to monitor my tone of voice, and overall reactions to things. Now, that I have begun to discuss it openly, and particularly, with loved ones, the support is forming. A friend even referred her physician to me. I could not bear to admit to her that there was only a 50/50 chance that I would even make the appointment, because I was so busy, and I knew I'd be feeling much more lively by next week.

Now, I am reckless, and disappointed in several choices I've made this week, from my writing to even my marriage. I need a breath, and I will step back and treat myself to it. The next 24 hours will be critical, and barely live-able, but, of course, I'll manage. This is part one of my heartfelt inquiry. And I'm certain there are many, male and female, that can identify with these symptoms. The key, for me, will now be acting, afterwards, in my own best interest.

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