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The Journey

I'll begin my baby's birth story now, for although her birth is four months away, it began in my mind when I discovered I was pregnant. This is my second child, my second pregnancy, my second birth. I'm not afraid of parenting, of laboring, or of giving birth as I was during my first pregnancy.

I gave birth to my first child in a hospital with a nurse-midwife. I grudgingly plan to do the same with this one. Despite several lingering dissatisfactions with the hospital experience, my daughter's birth was satisfying overall (or so I tell myself) since it was unmedicated, and since she and I were never separated.

My partner believes, as does the rest of my family, that a healthy baby is top priority, and that the way to ensure one is to birth at the hospital. I understand their fears since I shared them the first time around when I had no experience with birth other than the books I had read and the classes I had taken.

But, now I feel differently. My "natural" hospital birth experience left me feeling bullied by some of the medical staff, uncomfortable, insecure, and unsafe, and unable to follow my instincts. My feelings during labor affected how my labor progressed and how I felt physically and emotionally during it. I now feel that being able to follow my instincts, unhindered, is essential to the truly satisfying birth experience I hope to have.

So, even though it's the plan, I don't want to go to the hospital. When I think of it, I feel wary. These feelings are increasing as my pregnancy progresses. I'm feeling resentful of the hospital practices that I prepare to fend off since I don't want to enter labor in a defensive state, and I'm beginning to feel rebellious.

I've talked to my partner about these feelings. He said he would consider a midwife-assisted home birth (although he is afraid), since he also does not look forward to fending off unwanted interventions as he did during our first birth. Unfortunately, our health insurance will not cover a home birth. So, I've resigned myself to another hospital birth (although I hold out secret hope that I will somehow give birth at home.)

In my dreams, I always give birth unassisted. I'm not usually alone, but the people around me don't interfere. In my dreams, there's never any pain. I'm alert, confident, at peace. Everything goes easily and perfectly.

So, I've imagined hiding like chimpanzees do when it's time to give birth. However, I won't do this because I'm afraid to birth alone, and because I want to

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