by Todd Pheifer

Created on: April 09, 2008

Example Scenario A

Person #1: I got these new curtains yesterday on clearance at the store. What do you think of them?

Person #2: (Thinking: Ick. Those are really nasty curtains. I wouldn't be caught dead with them in my house.) Wow, those are great. I'm sure you will love them.

Example Scenario B

Person #1: Would you be interested in buying something from this catalog for our school fundraiser?

Person #2: (Thinking: I'd rather throw my money down a hole or set it on fire.) Sure! I'd be happy to look at your catalog and buy something.

These and many other scenarios represent those times where we say "yes" to something but we really want to say "no". There are a number of reasons that we say something different than what we are thinking. Here are a few thoughts on why this occurs.

FIGHTING OUR INSTINCT

One reason that we say "yes" when we want to say "no" is that we have a sense that we should be saying yes. Therefore, we fight against our first instinct, and do what we view to be the "right" thing even if it is not what we would do in an ideal world. Some would argue that this goes against our personal happiness, but other people feel as if the negative impact of saying "no" would create enough of an awkward situation that it is best avoided.

FEELINGS, NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS

Another reason that we do not say what we mean is that we are afraid of hurting other people's feelings. Not only do we not want them to feel bad, but we also do not want to deal with the awkwardness that so often follows. If we say "no", then we might have to deal with negative emotions from the other person. Or, we might have to explain our response and our reasoning may not seem all that sensitive, particularly if we just don't want to do something.

Overall, we do not always say what we would ideally like to say. Instead, we put on a happy face and say the thing that will cause the least amount of conflict. Sometimes this is a good thing because we are fighting against our own personal selfishness. Other times it is not healthy because it gets us into a pattern of compliance when it might be better for us not to be involved.

Learn more about this author, Todd Pheifer.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.