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Valentine's Day Antimacassar

By the time you read this, it will be the day after Valentine's Day and I will be in a bad mood.
You see, I hate Valentine's Day with a deep and righteous passion for ever so many reasons. And I am not the only one. I know for a fact that there are several other people on this campus who hate this holiday for one reason or another. I can't speak to their reasons, but here are mine.

For one thing, this is a holiday specifically for couples. Thus, being Bitter Single Boy I have a problem with it. All these people running around being all cute and stuff gives me saccharine poisoning, which is a common and potentially fatal overdose of sweetness and cuteness. The people I call on this claim I'm just jealous, but I'm of the opinion that a litany of "Why I love you" should only be read in private, preferably somewhere with lead shielding. (Side note: the phrase "I miss you," should only be used in cases of an absence of more than five minutes.) Us singles have to put up with this every day anyway, imagine how much worse it is on Valentine's Day. We need to have ambulances on call, or at least carry a lemon around in our pockets to counteract the poisonous cuteness.
The crass commercialization of the holiday only adds to the danger. There's only so many "Diamonds are Forever" commercials one can watch before he gets violently ill. And even those aren't nearly as bad as those Hallmark adds. It may just be me being my hopeless romantic little self, but in my opinion the best way to show your feelings of deep and abiding love to those you truly care about is not a mass market $2 card. Unless they're funny, then it's ok.
I've been getting emails for about two weeks with the sender name given as "Valentine's Day!" and the topic being "Get a dozen fresh red roses by mail for FREE!" There are so many things wrong with this. For one thing, I'm not convinced that the roses I would get BY MAIL would be of the "just picked this morning" variety. Secondly, I'm none too sure about this whole marketing by email thing, anyway, much less things for free. I seriously doubt that anyone I don't know would be so philanthropically inclined as to buy flowers for my "Sweetie" for me with no strings attached. And anyone who knows me and might do so knows that there's no point in sending me the email, anyway.
One might say that Valentine's Day is the perfect opportunity to meet that special someone. One might also say that our President has a functioning brain, and

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