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I believe there are four main points to keep in mind when disciplining children. These four points are the roots to effective discipline. Not only do they ensure successful results in the short term, but they contribute to the overall relationship between parent and child.

* Allies vs. Foes
Keep in mind that you are on your child's side, and make sure that you give that message to your child. I don't mean be his best friend instead of his parent, I mean be his ally.

It is possible to be sympathetic and firm at the same time, and it's the least stressful way to discipline your child.

When your child has to go to the dentist, and he's dreading it, you sympathize with him, you feel compassion for him, but he still has to go. You support him through something that is unpleasant and that he doesn't want to go through. You support him because you care about how he feels, and you firmly take him through it because you know it's something he simply has to go through, but you take him through it sympathetically. He feels your love and support, which give him the message that although you are taking him to the dentist, it's because you have no choice; and although he may hate it and he may be upset, at least he has your sympathy, understanding and love.

Use the same approach in disciplining your child. Punishment for unwanted behavior should be treated as an unfortunate consequence rather than retribution. If your attitude is one of sympathy that he has to go through this unavoidable experience of being grounded, you will find that no matter how frustrated and upset he gets, the dynamic will change from a power struggle, to your supporting him through an unfortunate unavoidable consequence of his actions. Your role will change from enemy to a caring ally.

You'd much rather he didn't have to go through this experience, so say something like: "I'm so sorry sweetheart, and I understand your frustration, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it. You remember, this is the consequence of that behavior, and although I wish you didn't have to go through it, it can't be avoided. But never mind, next time you'll remember and then you won't need to go through this." Reminding him that he has the power to avoid this in the future through his own choices will have a transforming effect on your discipline efforts. It's difficult to push too hard against someone who is sympathetic and loving in delivering the consequences of your own actions!

* Say What You Mean, And Mean What

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