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Regardless of the nature of a relationship, be it with spouse/partner, family members, friends, colleagues or strangers,there are 3 small yet powerful words which, if eliminated from our vocabularies, would avoid many arguments before they even begin.

I challenge all of you to avoid the use of these 3 words from this day forward, and experience for yourselves how a slight change in your communication style will make immediate, big changes in your relationships with others.

The first word to avoid is "SHOULD" - How do you feel and react when someone tells you you "should" or "should not" do or say something? Even worse, what happens when past choices or mistakes are dredged up in every argument - "you should have done/said this" or "you should not have done/said that"?

The word "should" is a judgmental, critical word which immediately puts the person who was "should" on onto the defensive. It is a very demeaning word which is most often used with the intention to make the user feel superior and more knowledgeable than the other.

When you "should" on others, your behavioural style is one of aggression. You build up your own self-esteem through criticism of others, making them feel negatively about themselves.

When you "should" on yourself and emerge from a situation chastising yourself ("I should have said/done this" or "I should not have said/done that"), your behavioural style is passive.

Assertiveness is the desired behavioural style, somewhere in between aggression and passivity. Assertive people choose their words and actions carefully, so that they are able to get what they want without making anyone (including themselves) feel demeaned, degraded, or used. Assertive people create win/win situations through communication, shared understanding, and a willingness to give as much as take.

Listen to your self-talk. If you hear yourself "shoulding" on yourself or others, you can begin to find alternatives and practice using them. By so doing, you will give yourself a moment to collect your thoughts and find the right words before you speak, rather than to spit out hurtful words derived from anger and frustration.

My favourite words to replace "should"? - I like questions, such as: "What would/could you say or do differently next time?"; "How might you have achieved different results?"; or "What might happen if you tried such and such?"

So, let's move on to the second word in the elimination challenge - the word "WHY". What is it about that tiny little word that makes

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