by Elaine Sihera

Created on: April 07, 2008

5 More Crucial Ways to Resolve Conflicts

Apart from the main five ways mentioned in "5 Crucial Ways of Resolving Conflict in Relationships", these five complete the important ways to sort out personal disagreements.

1. Don't argue or fight in front of other people. It embarrasses everyone and undermines the relationship. It may also prevent you from being completely honest. If issues come up while company is present, either go into a separate room to talk, or agree to discuss the issues later. Also, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. For example, if she is late getting home, assume that she is having some difficulty and cannot call, not that she is being inconsiderate, she's with someone or she doesn't care. That was the key aspect which finished our relationship. My husband kept asking me to explain my behaviour at certain points, yet would not accept any explanation I gave. He just wanted to hear what he already assumed, to have the 'evidence' he sought to vindicate his own thoughts (bias confirmation), which is often demoralising when you know there is nothing else to tell.

2. Never dredge up the past negatively, or stoop to name-calling. Nothing is happening in the past. It is all in your head so, as tempting as the past looks to a vulnerable person, it cannot resolve the present. It certainly did nothing for us, yet that was all we did, day after day, relentlessly churning over past actions, killing our relationship with constant reminders of them, when they had nothing to offer our present or our future.

3. Be realistic about the relationship, especially about your sex life. Most couples experience ecstatic, rocket-like feelings at the beginning of their partnership, but a lack of time, energy and other factors ensure gradual change. If you are older, the most common difference will probably be that both of you won't be having sex as often as you did before. If this or any other noticeable changes bother you, talk honestly to your spouse about your feelings. Remember that a lack communication leaves way for negative assumptions and the imagination, both of which usually prime you to expect the worst!

4. With any disagreement, don't let things get out of hand. Sometimes it is really difficult to talk to another person about our feelings, but that is the only way to resolve burning issues. If you cannot talk because you might feel intimidated, or lack the skill, write a note. Don't let things escalate. Talk things over as calmly as possible and either agree together, agree to disagree or learn to compromise on a solution. Then kiss and make up which is very important. Don't hold grudges against each other or make the mistake of taking each other for granted. Life is full of uncertainties, though death is always certain. None of us knows exactly how much time we have to enjoy ourselves or the company of our spouses, so you might regret wasting precious time on nursing a grudge or conflict!

5. Finally, remember the big picture. Is that irritating habit, the brief fling or the damaging affair a real priority, or is the person behind it more essential to you? Only you can decide his/her importance and value.

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