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Whether you mean it or not, your spouse can read messages into you discussion of past lovers - messages about his standing in your eyes, and also messages about you as a partner. They can wonder what it is you want to communicate to them with this story and why you've chosen this time to tell them. These are also good questions to ask yourself.

The occasional off-hand comment, relevant to the current situation probably won't do much harm. If your partner notes that you know a lot about haute cuisine and you mention that it's because you once went out with a chef, it will probably be met with mild interest. Long, detailed and intimate accounts of the relationship are another matter.

If you present a past relationship in glowing terms, your current partner can imagine that it's on your mind because you're disappointed with what you have now. Highlighting the virtues of a past lover can be taken as veiled hints that these are areas where you find your present spouse wanting. It can also peak his natural curiosity - if it was that good, who broke it off and why? If your lover or external circumstances brought the relationship to an end, your spouse might conclude that you're still holding a torch for your old flame and your present relationship is something you've had to settle for. If you broke it off, he could wonder how high your standards are to give up something so wonderful.

Outlining the negative points and failures of past relationships can prompt even more reading between the lines. When you go into detail about how you've been hurt before, a caring spouse may take it as a warning about treading on potentially sensitive areas. If a past lover has been controlling, for example, your current spouse may worry about expressing his own needs too forcefully. If the past lover was unfaithful, the current one can become self-conscious talking to members of the opposite sex around you. This will cause unnecessary tension between you if your wounds have already healed and your present relationship is a secure one.

What you say about the past can also turn around and bite you in an argument, where a partner aware of what you've experienced before may dismiss your complaints about the present as "baggage".

Even if you stress that you are only sharing this information in the interest of honesty you risk stereotyping yourself. What you choose to discuss and how you describe it, the problems you had and how you reacted to them, and what caused the eventual break-up will almost always get your spouse wondering if something similar will happen again.

There can, however, be times when a past relationship does impact on the present to the point where not mentioning it can lead to misunderstanding. Shying away from disagreements because a past partner was violent is one example. If you don't let your spouse know, he may assume you can't be bothered working things out.

In short, your spouse can attribute a relevance and significance to your discussion of past romances regardless of your intention, so it's better if that's what you intend. In other words, I recommend bringing up the subject of past relationships seriously if they have a direct bearing on the present and useful information to convey to your partner about what's happening in your current relationship.

Learn more about this author, Adele Gregory.
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