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After spending weeks trying to secure a Friday night table at La bonne mangeur' it is only appropriate that you should prepare yourself for the great night out.

If you've had a tough week at work you will of course be tired, a little soiled, perhaps a touch sweaty and probably irascible. Bearing this in mind just get home as quickly as possible through the hideous commuter traffic and settle in front of the TV with a cold can of beer. This will give you the chance to unwind a little.

The greatest mistake many diners make is to dress up or make an effort in some small way. In today's dining out culture this is all old hat piffle and should be ignored. Let's face it the meal is going to cost most of the week's effort for your slave driving boss so why shouldn't you crack the whip for a change?

Help yourself to another beer then declare that you can't possibly drive to the restaurant now because you're over the drink drive limit. Think about shaving. What the hell, its Friday so treat yourself to another beer instead. For God's sake when she' comes downstairs tell her she looks great or you'll have to pay for a cab fare as well as the meal.

Do not on any account take your nearly empty can of beer into the restaurant, dispose of this valuable recyclable commodity by leaving it on the kerb next to the car. With a bit of luck you can finish it off on the journey home.

If the pretentious French' restaurant is up to scratch then the staff will all look and behave like penguins, including the nose in the air that penguins do so well; and the waddle. At this point try not to leer at any of the female diners or waitresses until you've been shown to the bar for a pre-dinner sharpener'.

It's a good restaurant so order something sophisticated and pricey, a cocktail. If you fancy a long-slow-comfortable-screw-up -against-the-wall' (and who doesn't) and the bartender is attractive, do not smile inanely when ordering. If you do then you might be lucky and get thrown out, if you don't then the staff will probably use your plate as a spittoon.

You just know on nights like these your dining companions will be bouncing around like three week old puppies, eager to tell you how wonderful their lives/careers/children/pets/in vestments are performing and you will of course want to either walk out or pour the lovingly prepared soup over their heads. You can not do either so amuse yourself by catching the waiter's eye. Being French' they are used to customers clicking their fingers and shouting

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