by PR Clepper

Created on: April 04, 2008

No one exists in a vacuum. We come into the world in the company of others. We grow and move and interact within the company of others. In today's society, it is rare for any of us to die completely and utterly alone. We cannot help but be affected by this constant collision and collusion with one another.

From infancy, we watch and learn about the world we live in, about the people who surround us. Most importantly, we watch and learn about ourselves. As we define ourselves, we seek definition of not only who we are, but what that means in the world. We learn to react from who we are. We learn what that means in the world through others.

If we are nurtured and led into our place in the world by positive input and constructive criticism, we are given the tools necessary to better ourselves. If we are led into our place in the world by harsh criticisms and name calling, by constant exposure to negativity and belittling language, we are given the tools to doubt everything and everyone, including ourselves.

How is it that negative talk has so much more power than positive input? How is it that the times we are told "never" and "can't" so far outweigh "I love you" and "You are my friend"? Perhaps the biggest clue is that negative talk almost always separates the speaker from its object, while positive input usually connects one to the other. It is not only the child who hears the connection in the positive; it is the adult friend, the spouse, the person you chanced to meet and hold a conversation with while waiting at the airport terminal. Positive input says, "It's good that you're in the world with me, and I'm glad we had this time."

Negative talk is a double-edged sword. For negative talk to hit its ultimate mark of destruction, it has to come from someone whom we trust to judge us. It is easier to shrug off a rude comment from a person who is obviously more upset with their situation or surroundings than with us. How could they really be upset with us? They don't know us. Most of have the ability to shake their shallow "judgment" off, though we may or may not pass on a little bit of hasty reaction to the next person we come into contact with.

However, just like the smiling warm fuzzy from a loved one goes straight to the heart, a barbed negativity goes straight to the heart. Repeated barbs stick and become lodged there; and they seem to have the power to kill warm fuzzies by the dozens. Negative talk is rarely offered in the same tone of voice as positive affirmations. I once told someone I just wanted someone who was willing to scream, "I love you!" at me with the same conviction that all the things contrary to love had been screamed at me. Positive communication "fits" our most cherished relationships.

On the other hand, destructive talk presents a logic problem that cannot be solved completely by any one answer. Is it my fault that the person I feel good about feels so badly about me? Do I deserve this? If I don't deserve this, how do I feel about the person I felt good about now? What just happened here? This doesn't fit. Why do I suddenly feel alone and unwanted?

Negative talk destroys not only in its direct attempt but in the aftermath. Negative talk says, "You are so messed up, you're on your own. I don't want anything to do with you." It makes emotional orphans of us all.

We are all mirrors for the people we come into contact with. It is an unfortunate fact of our lives that looking into the mirror only once and cringing can undo so many other times when we looked in the mirror and liked what we saw. So it is with the destructive power of negative words, especially when they are thrown like rocks from the mirror we trust most.

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