by Jessica Sullivan-Thomas

Created on: April 02, 2008

This is a topic which I have struggled with myself, for many years. Insane or Intelligent? I think the general consensus is that the two go hand-in-hand, in a lot of cases. I think I can agree to that. We have watched the geniuses' of every medium and art form be simultaneously called crazy for centuries now. My aim is to show you what it feels like from the other end.

I recently just got home from my second stint in a mental hospital. Already you have a stigma about me. Possibly, in the back of your mind, your thoughts are already undermining anything I may say in this diatribe so that you can write me off as crazy later. Don't feel bad, that's normal.

I went in because of acute postpartum depression.. This time. I have been in before and the consensus seems to be that I am bi-polar with an anxiety disorder and possibly some form of schizophrenia in the early stages. This is my first go at actually taking the medication as prescribed and seeing how I fare. I have 4 and a half month old twin girls and now it is time for me to try and be the best me I can be, for them.

But that right there poses a question.. Is the "best me" the one who is on medication and is functioning at a level much more sedated than I normally would? Or is the best me the one that I am allowed to be when there are no anti psychotic and other drugs working on the effectiveness of my neurotransmitters etc.

In the years prior it has always sort of been fun to play games with my own sanity. Just let myself go and see how far it will take me. Stay up for 3 days on pure mania, painting, writing, whatever I have in me that I need to express. I would think of it as a challenge.. If I can survive this mental breakdown.. And then stay up for days on end and survive the sleep deprivation adding to it then I knew I must be strong. I thought of it as like intensive training for my mind. Brain boot camp, if you want to get cheesy and generic about it. The point is that I would play with it. Toy with insanity. I would muck around with my medication, switch it up to how *I* thought it worked, trade it out with other people and so forth. But, when there are children involved it becomes time to stop playing the games and give it a shot.

There have been times in my life where I was very high-functioning. I was a brilliant student when I was in college. I love philosophy and argumentation and logic and everything that comes along with it, and I excel in it. Philosophy is the love of my life, as far as fields of

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