by C. William White

Created on: April 01, 2008   Last Updated: April 02, 2008

Ol' Bill Hears Voices

Sane people ain't supposed to hear voices, at least the ones nobody else can hear. Everybody knows that if you do hear voices in your head, you are what is known as "touched", and this usually guarantees you a one-way Greyhound ride to the State nervous hospital. Being known as a crazy person is not the proper nor accepted way to climb the social ladder or achieve a high payin' job in your chosen field. That havin' been said, I guess I should tell you about the time I heard voices.

It happened the night before Thanksgivin' a few years back. I guess if a normal, self-respectin' person is going to hear voices, it's better for the unwelcome event to come in the night, since it's dark and the power of suggestion can kind of take you over and let you get yourself worked up into a real good lather; hell, it's better than if you were sittin' in your car at the red light at high noon and a loud voice came through that lil' AM receiver in your head ordering you to run over the little ol' lady in the crosswalk . . . but I digress. It was sure enough dark, and I was absolutely alone in the house but for the dogs.

Now, this in itself is unusual, because my wife and daughter don't usually take it upon themselves to spend nights away from home, and my son hadn't even been born yet. Since it was Thanksgivin', however, my wife had gone to her Mama's house to be instructed in the Lost Art of Holiday Piemaking (obviously the doctorate level course as it required an overnight stay) and she had taken the child along; thus, my solitude.

It was about 2 o'clock in the morning and I was comfortably ensconced in the bed reading a highly technical book about digital telephony that could put an amphetamine freak to sleep after the table of contents, but I needed the background information for work, so I soldiered on. Ah yes, quietnobody there to ask, "What are you lookin' at?" or state "that sure looks complicated", which leads to "I don't even know how to start to explain to people exactly what you do at work", which ultimately manifests itself in the statement that you'd better have a damn good response to: "Sighhhhh. We hardly have anything in common. I don't know how we ever got married in the first place. Sighhh."
Don't a one of y'all lie, you fellows who are engineers or technical types have heard this before! Boys, the wrong response to this will put you into a far worse nightmare than any petty ol' thing like being insane, hearin' voices, or findin' out that

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