by Jane H. Marchduk

Created on: April 01, 2008

What do we define as bad behavior' in a child. Rudeness, temper tantrums, defiance, aggression, a refusal to share? These are what most parents would agree to be unacceptable ways of behaving. But who's to blame? And, more importantly, what can be done to change the behavior?

Attention-seeking, demanding children may be getting all the attention and even having their demands met by solicitous parents - or parents who can't think of how else to respond. But it's vital to realize that children behaving like this are unhappy children.

Having seen many parents tearing their hair out and at the end of their tether, I find the techniques devised by Warwick Dyer (www.behaviourchange.com) to be some of the most effective and simplest ways to effect change.

Dyer's view is that parents build up inappropriate responses to their child's extreme behavior. This means that the situation can only improve when the parents learn how to consistently change their own behavior - and is the reason Dyer works only with the parents.

Bad behavior' is redefined as an interactive behavior imbalance' - a problem between the parent and the child which the child is incapable of changing.

It can be difficult, even shocking, for parents to take on board that their own reactions and behavior are the reason for their child's continuing unsatisfactory behavior. What loving parent who has genuinely tried his/her best to be a good' parent wants to believe that they have contributed to the very behavior they find appalling?

In our laissez-faire, laid-back, let's find a therapy' society, even the idea of applying behavioral change techniques to our children may seem out-dated.

We are so used to trying to reason with our children, explaining the rationale behind everything, that it's hard to believe that actually that's part of what we are doing wrong.

The behavioral approach, according to Dyer, works because it does not require the child to have reached any particular level of conceptual development and lets the parents remain as the 'agents of change'. This means that they can make changes without a loss of leadership or the child being made aware that an outside agency is involved.

Parents can then be trained to change their own behavior, adopt a positive approach and reduce discrepancies between how the child would like to view themselves and the view they see reflected from their parents.

The parents' response to behavior is always the key factor but they are not to blame'. In most cases they have done their best. They have often just got caught in a trap of continuous attempts to change what their children appear to think.

Dyer, however when working with badly behaved children, does not view their apparent maladaptive, erroneous or unrealistic processing as a problem associated with thinking at all - but rather one generated by a lack of training to accept consequences. He considers that combining rewards and sanctions in a consistent and positive way is the answer.

The key to all of this is not to look for someone to blame. A badly behaved child is never happy - if parents can bring some structure and consistency into their lives, they will have a happier and better-behaved child. And a household where harmony rules, not chaos and confusion.

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