by Penny B

Created on: April 01, 2008   Last Updated: June 09, 2011

There's an old adage that states, "If you can't say anything nice to a person,
don't say anything at all." I was raised on this saying, as my mother
constantly reminded us while growing up. I still "try" to live by these words
to this day.

In the heat of an argument, it's so easy to say something you might regret later
on. Another person may have hurt your feelings very deeply, and we sometimes retaliate by using hurtful words in return, to hurt them back, letting them know just how we ourselves felt. However, this can prove to either be fruitless or make the argument that much worse. Either they're confidence is so well intact, that they wouldn't believe the cruel things you've just said anyway, or you have hurt them in return (as hoped) and the argument escalates. Nothing is resolved. You've only added fuel to the already hot, burning fire.

Why do we say mean things to people? It primarily is because we ourselves have low self-esteem, when said to us, they can cut like a knife. Hurtful words
somehow make us feel more powerful when we're the ones using them. There is, after all, power in words. The more impact a word can have, it breaks the other person down, thus building ourselves up.

It is really hard to take hurtful words back. Once said, you can't put them
back and forget them so easily. When disagreements arise, it would be far better if two people could work through it in a calm, mature manner. Say what it is that's bothering you, whether it's something they have said or done to upset
you. In all probability, it might only be a misunderstanding. It may have been
that we misunderstood their words or actions. Some people don't always express themselves well, and we can't read their minds, so it is so easy to misinterpret in the moment. It might also be that we ourselves are not thinking clearing at that precise moment, so again, a misunderstanding occurs. It's always best to just talk things out rationally and get to the root of the problem.

Some words you should try to refrain from using during an argument or when a
discussion become heated:

• "I hate you!" Hate is a very strong emotion. You might not, in fact, hate the
person, but only disliked what they had said or done. By using the word "hate",
you have emphasized your displeasure in them, but they may interpret it to mean that you actually do hate them. You can't very well expect them to bother trying to patch up the

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