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The ideal gift for a cat rather depends on the cat and there are, broadly speaking,four types of cat.

At the bottom of the pile is the cat that is living proof that relatives should not breed. You know them when you see them. They are invariably scruffy and look as though they have spent much of the morning, if not their lives, surrounded by rubbish. They walk as if the ground might cave away under their paws and spend sunny days lounging in the middle of busy roads. For this type of cat there is little that can be purchased or made that will hold the interest of such an animal. You might try a string of wet spaghetti or a scrunched up scrap of paper but as soon as whatever you select, as soon as it stops moving the cat will stare blankly at it for a few seconds, possibly look at you then turn round and walk off to find something to eat.

The second type of animal is slightly brighter than the first type and will inevitably be overweight and sneer at you. If they were a human being then their conversation would be strictly limited to one sport, and their idea of a good night out would be drinking beer whilst watching the team on the TV in the bar. For this type of cat anything fluffy will work, but their interest will be last as long as a football match.

The third class of cat is intelligent and will lap up as many toys you can make available to it. Mice on the end of string will be chased, cat nip will send them glossy eyed and when they aren't playing with whatever toys you have bought for them then they will be watching the world go by from a favoured spot by a window. For this cat anything will do for they will be grateful and happy.

At the top of the pile is the elegant sophisticat. These felines keep themselves absolutely immaculate are stunningly beautiful and of course highly intelligent. Give this cat a toy and it will just stare at you with an expression that says 'if you think I'm going to sink to playing with that you can think again'.

This animal is beyond the world of plastic and fluff. Having a dog to play with best pleases this animal and I mean a dog next door. The best sorts of dogs are the little yappy ones. Nothing amuses the top cat than to sit as close to the fence as possible and to wait for the dog to come out. Top cat will then sit with great presence while the dog rushes back and forth yapping furiously and working itself up into a right tizz. When the dog has started to foam at the mouth and it's blood pressure is at the point where cardiac arrest is imminent; top cat stands up and walks away, purrfectly amused.

So if you want to buy the ideal gift for your cat, treat your neighbour to a pet dog.

Learn more about this author, Ian Pauley.
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