by Sue Bluze

Created on: March 29, 2008

How to find love: Don't act desperate!

After the failure of a long term relationship I found my self back on the singles market, a place that had changed beyond all recognition from when I was last single it was really scary out there! Friends warned me that it was impossible to find a nice man these days and recounted horror stories of ill fated relationships. No longer did people date and move towards committed relationships, many seemed to flounder in a morass of mismatched expectations with one of the partnership [often but not always the women] dreaming of undying love and the other [usually but not always the man] feeling misunderstood as all they wanted was a friend with benefits and no commitment. No one seemed to think and communicate what they really wanted before they moved the relationship onto a physical basis, there were always recriminations afterwards when it didn't live up to expectations. I lost count of the number of friends who had slept with someone only for the relationship to end suddenly shortly afterwards as they assumed [often wrongly] that having sex equated to both partners wanting a future together.

I resisted the temptation to launch myself into the dating throng and took time to really think about what I wanted and to look at the successful relationships around me to try and pinpoint where I had gone wrong in the past and what my more desperate single friends were still doing wrong now. Were there any factors in the successful relationships that I could use to my advantage that would give me a clue on how to find my soul mate and love of my life?

I quickly realised that in the majority of the successful relationships around me the people concerned were first and foremost each others best friend, and in most cases they had known each other as friends before they had started dating and their relationships had become intimate. In some cases they had known each other from their school days or university; others had been workmates, or friends of other members of the family. A few had met via the internet but again they had taken time to become friends before launching into a relationship. In all cases they had taken time to really know each other, they were familiar with each others backgrounds, interests, and culture and understood where they were coming from; they also understood any stresses and family pressures involved. Sexual attraction was important in the relationships but it wasn't the only thread holding the partnership together.

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