by Nora Spero

Created on: March 28, 2008

Check the Rearview Mirror

As a kid, my Great-Aunt Fanny made quite an impression on me. Although she was not an overly large woman, she was literally the "butt" of many family jokes, as she had a great, big, you-guessed-it, fanny. She always seemed to favor printed dresses and skirts, and walking behind her was a dizzying experience as the flowers or polka dots jumped and jounced and swayed. She could actually stop and stand still for several seconds before the rear-end rumba ceased!

For some reason - I think because my brothers couldn't do it without giggling I was always elected to follow Auntie down the aisle every Sunday. That experience led to my discovery of the law of physics that every woman with an extra ounce of flesh should know:

"The Ripple Effect."

This law is as relevant to everyday life as anything Newton came up with. I noticed that while Auntie's fanny looked like she was tap-dancing down the aisle boom-ba-da-boom-ba-da-boom-jiggle-jiggle, her feet were reverently stepping. But the Ripple Effect holds that the energy created by the foot touching the floor travels up the leg and increases in force as it is multiplied by the um, extra ounces available, until it reaches a barrier:waist or neck as the case may be. Auntie had a rather small waist, thus the "Rambunctious Rump-us."

Because I knew in my heart that I would inherit some of Great-Auntie's genes, I learned to model-walk at a tender age. It has to do with putting your weight on the balls of your feet, not the heels people think I am very elegant as I glide when needed little do they suspect I am in fear of the "Ripple."

Now I am sharing this with you, Good Readers, because of a fashion trend that many of you simply are not prepared for: the return of dresses - especially full skirted dresses.
A recent Internet report states that the return of the dress heralds the end of the reign of jeans. Since there are at least two generations of women who have grown up in the confines of jeans, the dress experience requires some underneath preparation. Thongs don't make it here!

You'll need to invest in a few slips ask in the Intimates department if you don't know. And, especially where it gets cold in the winter, tights or pantyhose. Don't be afraid. Today, pantyhose comes in all weights, styles and textures from the lacy-panty, silky type that feels like nothing at all, to the industrial-strength full control-top jobs which have the advantage of offering a cardio-workout built into every pair! (If you don't think your heart and body get a workout wriggling into and out of those marvels of wardrobe science, think again!)

So now you know what to buy to wear the new clingy dresses, full-skirted dresses and everything in between. But once you are dressed, and after every trip to the ladies', check the rear view mirror.

My friend Cherie made the mistake of not wearing a slip one day recently. As she related later,

"I felt really great that day, I'd lost a lot of weight and I had this adorable dress with a sweetheart neckline and full skirt on. I was getting compliments and looks all day. I left my friends to go to the ladies' room and was making my way to the rendezvous point enjoying all the head-turning looks Iwas getting. Suddenly, this crazy lady ran up to me. She was shaking her head, and waving her hands in front of her face like hiding behind them, as she spoke to me while pointedly avoiding my eyes."

"I tried to walk around this nutcase." Cherie continued with a sigh, "then she blurted out, I'm sorry no one will tell you but your dress you tucked it'" And Cherie knew that the breeze she had been feeling was being enjoyed by all behind her! DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Always check the rear view in the mirror!

Learn more about this author, Nora Spero.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.